Drew and I had a pretty good weekend.... we didn't do very much but we got out a bit and also visited family in Hoylake and had lunch and then a walk on the beach.

We decided we wouldn't visit Sadie's grave this weekend.  That really hurt but we were feeling pretty low and we do normally visit twice a week at the moment, but sometimes its hard to actually do anything afterwards because its so upsetting visiting her grave.  Its the worst thing having to go to a graveside to visit your daughter and I often find that being surrounded by the usual sight of young families at the weekend (straight after visiting the grave) can be quite difficult as it just highlights our loss right now - although its lovely to see life and happy people but the contrast straight after being at the grave is stark. To be honest, although time at Sadie's grave is special and important to us, I know that Sadie is not there.  I feel far closer to her when I am outdoors around nature and beauty.  I don't like to think of her being buried down there, but going to her grave makes it more real.  I will go to Sadie's grave this week as I feel like its the only thing I can physically do for her as a mother, but I will make sure I am feeling strong when I do.

I've not got much to write this week as I am not feeling so good and feel pretty low today.  I had to miss my counselling session as I've got a bad cold and don't want to spread it, but I was sorry not to be able to go as I find it does help.

Sadie would have been 10 months old last Saturday and I think that is a bit tough sometimes.  I wonder what she would have been like - both if she had survived longer with Edwards and if she had been a healthy baby.  I also wonder what she is doing in heaven - if she is happy (I know she must be) and if she misses us like we miss her.  I hate to think of her wondering where we are and needing us, but then deep down I think heaven is different to that.  I guess my mothering instincts are still strong and my desire to protect Sadie is still there but is just useless now.  It really is a case of being a mummy still but not having my baby physically here.  I feel no less of a mum in my heart though.  Its just noone can see my baby.

Well I am going to stop writing now as I am so tired and probably not making much sense!

Oh one more thing - I get details from Yola just telling me the number of visits to my sites and am amazed there have been 340 or so in the past 7 days.  I am really pleased the sites are being visited and even though sometimes what I write is rather sad and depressing, I am glad to share and will also be able to share the happier / easier times too.  Thanks for the support.