Nothing much to update really!  I've been out a little in the last 2 weeks but now just wanting to stay at home. The anxiety and grief are very hard to handle together and I am left with very low resources and I am very emotional.  I think the hormones add to this.

My bump is getting huge and I am 37 weeks (full term) tomorrow.  Our little boy will be here 2 weeks today and I will just be so glad to know he is safe and healthy and I can't wait to give him lots of cuddles.  Being pregnant whilst grieving the loss of Sadie has been very hard.  These last few weeks feel almost impossible and I am so terribly scared that we may be on the brink of more tragedy.  There is no reason in the world for me to think this, other than that I no longer have my naive optimism and I know what can go wrong and how it feels to lose a child.

The hospital scanned me again last week and baby is growing well and has absolutely no negative markers at all. t is a huge relief to have these scans and although there is no medical reason for me to have them, they are offered to me to help me cope with the anxiety.

Drew is being great.  His grief is the same as mine of course but sometimes it manifests itself differently.  How he manages to go to work and do a great job each day is beyond me, but it works for Drew and he would go stir crazy coping in the way I do, by hibernating.  He also finds cycling to be a good way to get some of the energy out.  We look after each other and are very close.  Always have been, but since Sadie arrived  we became a family and that hasn't changed.  We talk a lot.  We still have lots of fun, but when we need to we talk about how we feel and that helps.  Drew is the only person in the world who knows how I really feel and who loves Sadie like I do.  She is very loved by all our family and friends, but we share a great bond.

Drew looks after me as I am very demanding at the moment.  I am the size of the house and very uncomfortable.  I hate moaning about it as I am priviledged to be pregnant and I love it, but I do have to ask Drew for lots of help as my scar gets quite sore and my body is tired now.

This past few days I realised I need to spend time with Sadie.  Partly because I am just missing her so much and partly because her brother is nearly here and if she were alive, I would be spending lots of quality time with her to reassure her.  Its the same even though she is dead.  I need to think about her, talk to her and let her know how much she isloved and always will be.  I need her to know that more than ever.  I miss her so much.  We both do.  The gap in our lives doesn't reduce and it never will do.  We just have to learn to live with it and build our lives around it.

Our new baby will bring so much joy and will have so much love.  I know our lives will become busy again and we are so happy and grateful for that.  It won't change how we feel about missing Sadie.  That remains a constant.  We will have 2 children, but one will be in heaven forever.  She is still our daughter and a huge part of our family.

I am waiting for Sadie's headstone to arrive.  Sadie died nearly 5 months ago and we ordered it straight away, but they have been busy and problems with the weather have caused delays.  At present, an engraved cross marks Sadie's grave.  I will be glad to have the stone in place but it is something I am dreading.  Another painful reminder of the permanency of her death.  I hope the headstone is in place before our son arrives as I want to be able to visit the grave straight after.

This next 2 weeks I am just going to do what I can.  I will see friends if I am able to but otherwise I will just allow myself to grieve more and to deal with the anxiety.