I went to Sadie's grave this morning.  It really hurts, as when I am on the way there I feel a sense of anticipation that I am going to see Sadie, but then I remember that she is dead and I am only visiting her grave.  There are some intense feelings when visiting Sadie's grave.  Too dark to write here even.  I mainly realise my inability to hold her in my arms and be a mother to her and my inability to protect her.

Visiting the grave is harder these days. I know it'll get easier but right now I just feel so sore about Sadie being dead.  It feels so unfair that this was her fate.  She was such a great little girl.  Her spirit was strong and I know she would have brought so much happiness over the years.  If only she had not been born in a body that would let her down.  We should have been enjoying her attempts at crawling and looking forward to our first Christmas with her.  Again, I know these feelings will fade in time, but it feels very real right now.

I read a little of my book 'The Grieving Garden' when I got home.  It makes me feel much more normal and less afraid of the grief.  All the feelings of isolation and loss are normal right now and hopefully that means we are coping in a healthy way.  It helps to talk about Sadie and what has happened, but even now that feels too hard sometimes.  I am afraid that by the time we reach out more, to talk, we'll find everyone expects us to be OK again.

Right now my coping strategy is hibernation.  I avoid seeing people,doing things and conversations on the phone as I don't want to risk the pain of someone not understanding or saying something that hurts.  I don't have the brave face to put on at the moment and I am worried I'd give myself away with a wobbly voice and make things worse.  I just feel sad right now and I want to grieve.  I miss my little girl.

I don't intend to stick with this strategy of hibernation. Just for now, whilst I feel I have no strength.  As soon as I get some strength back I will start trying again and get out there.

I am off to church tomorrow to meet our Reverend.  He has been supportive since Sadie arrived and I get great comfort from my faith.  I never knew I had it before but losing a child really made me wonder where she was and would I ever be reunited with her.  It makes it easier to bear.  It makes it possible to bear.  Just about.  I always feel overwhelmed entering a church since having Sadie.  I don't know why but my emotions bubble over.  I hope I can contain them tomorrow.  I really don't like getting red-eyed and snotty around people.  I will wear my mascara and make-up and that will deter me from crying.  I hope.

Well I am going to make myself a cup of tea and read some of my book.  I have a stack of chick-literature from the library and its a great way of escaping for an hour or two.  Day time TV sucks.  If I was skiving work, it would definitely make me resolve to get back to work!