Its so hard to believe that Sadie has been gone from our lives for 3 months on Friday.  This is a hard month as (as per previous blogs) the run up to Christmas is tough without Sadie here to share it with us.  In addition, Sadie's first Birthday is on 30/12 and then New Years Eve will also be tough.

Last NYE was the worst day of our lives as we were told the shocking news that Sadie had Edwards Syndrome and would die very soon.  There was nothing we could do.  Its a blurr in many ways.  I remember waking up that morning after lying awake wondering how Sadie was doing in NNU and I had to wait for the midwife to check me over after my cesarean and de-catheterise me.  I woke up feeling positive and on top of the world to be a mummy and I spent the first few hours chatting to Sadie and cuddling her.  Just enjoying being a mum.  Drew arrived with a little bottle of champagne and chocolates and we were so excited.  I was chatting to the other new mummies on the ward and just thoroughly enjoying my new role in life.  The happiest and most content I have ever been.

Then at 10am Sadie's paedeatrician sat us down in the NNU and they drew screens around us and slowly explained what they believed.  Everything just stopped and I can't remember much about the rest of the day.  Faces of friends and family swim in and out.  Phone calls to tell those who needed to know.  I was in physical pain from my op but I didn't care. I almost wanted the pain.  It was hideous.  We sat up with Sadie and cuddled her into the new year.  We were put in a private room for Drew and I to sleep.  Well of course we didn't sleep.  We lay and listened to fireworks going off heralding the new year and we could hear people wishing each other a happy new year.  We felt about as isolated as any 2 people can possibly feel.  It was tortuous and hideous.

Sadie nearly died on new years day, so she was baptised quickly and we held her waiting for her to stop breathing all together.  For some reason she fought on and she stayed with us.  We were blessed with a longer future with Sadie.  Precious, precious times.  We really learnt the reality of being parents.  We never know what life will throw at us and what and how our child will be.  We had a beautiful, very poorly, frail little girl who needed us to adapt very quickly and forget our own hopes and dreams of pareting and be the parents she needed us to be.  She deserved our undivided attention and complete and utter love and thats what we gave her.  She taught us some huge lessons in those early days.  She brought fresh understanding of the meaning of life, of marriage and of parenting.  She brought us immense joy and love.  So whilst those days were awful, scary and shocking, they were also beautiful and filled with love.