I never would have realised how much it hurts as the time marches on after losing someone.  It is 2 months today since Sadie died. It feels like it was yesterday.  More real maybe now because the numbness has worn off and the sad, shocking memories are very clear.  There's no real way of putting it into words other than to say we miss Sadie so very much.  She is still and always will be our precious little girl and we love her with all our hearts.  I would give anything for just one more moment with her to hold her and kiss her and tell her I love her.

But wishing is futile and although its healthy to spend time at the moment wondering 'what if?', I know I have to move past it.  All in good time I guess.  I'm doing my best to embrace the grief and deal with it in the hope that the pain lessens soon.  Its impossible to imagine, but I know that it will.

Sadie's little brother is wriggling around lots at the moment. Drew and I sat gazing at my belly as he threw shapes last night.  I get the feeling he is going to be pretty active - just like his Daddy.  I hope so.  I just want him to be happy and healthy.  I'm so much looking forward to meeting him on 17th Feb.

I'm a bit nervous about another C Section, but I am assured it is best for junior and for me as its so soon after having my first C Section and we are warned that although wonderful, the birth of another baby will be emotionally tough too as some difficult memories will feel very vivid.  All that matters is that he arrives safely.  I am in good hands and the midwife team are being fantastic.  They have told me they will do all they can to help and so I feel very supported.  I just want to try and enjoy the experience as much as possible.  Naturally we'll carry on missing Sadie and we are in the early stages of our grief, but equally I have found we can be happy and sad all at once.

I am trying not to be superstitious (as its complete nonsense) and am hoping to start making the nursery a little more boyish.  I have a scan with my consultant on Monday, so perhaps after that I'll start a little celebratory shopping for our little man.  I'll be in week 26 by then so a little shopping will be nice.

Well I have had a good old bawl this morning and am feeling better after my Readybrek.  My health visitor is visiting today and then I am having a quiet day cooking a hot pot and doing my enbroidery (what on earth am I thinking?!). I am desperately trying to ignore my sweet tooth cravings too because I just cannot stop thinking about chocolate and sweets.  I love having sweet things as junior (don't worry - thats not his name!) seems to bounce around as soon as it reaches him!

Having my hair done tomorrow then catching up with some mummy friends and their little ones so it'll be a fun and hectic day! :)