Well I think I had pinned my hopes on it being January and with festivities out of the way I thought I could take a deep breath and start moving on.  Its not quite a simple as that though.  I am trying to get out and we are doing little bits, which is nice, but I have very little strength.  I am finding it hard to keep my emotions in check and spend lots of time crying and generally feeling about the lowest I could have ever imagined.

I saw my GP yesterday and he said there's nothing to be done for it and its possibly the hormones and anxiety adding to things.  My counsellor said she was not surprised as most people start to hit a depressive time around 6 months after the loss.  Its only been 4 months since Sadie died but it has started to feel real.  I struggle to accept that she has died.  It is final and I can no longer be with Sadie.  It just seems to hard to handle.  Nothing makes it better.  It just gets harder and harder and I just feel full of sadness and horror that our daughter has died and can never come back.  It probably sounds weird, but it just feels like it is really sinking in and it just feels unacceptable.  How do you ever become OK with this?  I feel stumped.

At the same time as feeling this hideous grief, I do feel so very excited about our little boy.  I am terrified of losing him and I have very morbid fears but I am trying to rationalise them and just feel the joy of what is happening.  All we have is today really, so I want to enjoy this.

All in all, I feel done in at the moment.  Life feels very empty without Sadie and I am very lonely for her and just in being on my own most days.  I am going to see a few friends this week and saw friends over the weekend, but I don't feel very brave or upbeat right now.  I will also try to attend antenatal class next week.  I am so scared, its ridiculous.  I think of all the things we have faced and I should feel invincible but instead I feel like a sad and gloomy little mouse.

I think we just have to go through this dark period and hope that it gets easier.  As I always saym I don't intend to give in and stay like this.  It has to be temporary and I know I will get through the grief.  It just feels bigger than me at the moment.