I've thought a lot about grief over the last few weeks because although its always there and always painful, I have felt the loss and sadness much more acutely in recent weeks than I have for a little while and this took me by surprise.  I realised that sometimes we get used to the grief and the shock of Sadie's death ebbs away a little, but at certain times it hits like asledgehammer and repeatedly leave you feeling devastated inside.  I think this is often the case against a backdrop of reality and normaility it almost highlights the fact that actually our lives are far from normal now and losing Sadie is still (always will be) a huge, devastating hole.  I find that at the moment it is so hard to maintain the smile and brave face.  It takes more effort at the moment and so when I can let it drop and relax in the evening, the tears I have cried all day on the inside start flowing and I wonder if they'll ever stop.

Christmas, my birthday and Sadie's Birthday are all approaching and that adds to the emotion.  We want to enjoy Pat's Christmas and that's exciting, but the happier we feel and the more we enjoy and celebrate life and special events, the more acutely we feel the loss of Sadie. It will take some getting used to I am sure.  Last year we just existed through it and buried our heads so this year feels very real and raw.  In particular I do not want to celebrate my Birthday when Sadie never got to have one and I just cannot find any joy or meaning in celebrating my own.  It feels very painful and I just can't explain how sad it makes me.  It feels so unfair.  My birthday is an event I can choose to ignore and I do that in memory of Sadie.  This may sound like a weird sentiment and an odd way to feel and behave but its just how I feel.  I think I am just swamped by the sadness at the moment and I'm not managing the grief well - just getting through each day and trying to focus and do what I need to do to get by, but I am hoping there'll be a shift and that I find my strength and peace again as this is a hard way to operate right now and I am so afraid that something will send me into a public display of grief as I feel like I could just crumple some day at the slightest thing.  

I hope that next time I blog I can say that I am feeling stronger again and that I feel in control of the grief!

I know Christmas is a hard time for so many people.  Especially those who have lost a child.  Its all about family and children and whilst its lovely to enjoy it, I know its a time when thousands of families are feeling the same way as we do and are grappling to enjoy the festivities whilst managing the intense sadness on the inside.  There's an amazing community of parents out there who are so strong and supportive and I will try to follow their example. 

Oh - on a happy note I am enjoying work and feel like I am remembering what its all about slowly but surely!  I'm working with a great team and I just hope that there may be opportunity to stay longer.  I have my fingers crossed for that. Also, most importantly, Pat is doing very well and growing fast.  He is full of energy and very loving.  He enjoys his time at nursery and with his grandparents and so we are very grateful for this. It feels amazing to see him growing up into the most wonderful little boy and we are so proud and blessed.