Well I was nervous about today as it was my first trip back to Francis House since Sadie's funeral.  I was worried I wouldfeel very emotional about being there as it is such a special place for us as it is where Sadie died.  We also have a ot of very lovely memories of stays at Francis House.

I have been feeling quite emotional recently.  I think that its the depression stage of the grief cycle, although bereavement counsellors say that it isn't a linear cycle.  However, people who know me will know that I like to plan and I like to know exactly whats what, so I prefer to think I am working through stages and that one day soon I will wake up feeling a lot more like my old self. I know I will always miss Sadie and think about her lots, but I would like to feel more like me again.

I went over to the funeral directors first thing as they have made a cross with a name plate for Sadie's grave as the headstone will take around 8 weeks until its ready, so I wanted to mark it in the meantime.  I got talking to a really nice man who had lost his cousin, and actually managed to say out loud to a stranger that my daughter had died without bursting into tears.  A first.  That said, I did have a melt down once I was safely back inmy car, but I'll forgive myself for that.  Its OK to cry, I know, but I prefer not to do it in front of people.

I got to Francis House and was delighted that so many of the staff who Sadie and I used to spend a lot of time with were there and so there was lots of hugging, tears and fond memories.

I cannot begin to describe how brlliant the team at Francis House are.  They looked after Sadie, Drew and me from the start and they really care about the kids, they grow to become family very quickly.  Sadie used to enjoy being at Francis House - she was relaxed there and I used to be confident that she was getting lots of love and cuddles if ever we decided to spend the night at home when she was there.

FH have offered us couselling and Drew and I think we'll take them up on it.  Its extended to family and friends, including children if needed, which is great as we know Sadie's death has affected everyone around us.

After FH I went to the children's centre in Knutsford as I'm 21 weeks pregnant and hadn't felt baby boy kick for a few hours, so listening to his heartbeat was reassuring.

Visiting the children's centre was hard. I am fine (and enjoy) visiting friends with kids, but meeting strangers, especially excited new mums / mums to be is tough because I am waiting for the inevitable conversation.  I will always talk proudly about Sadie, but as its only been a month since her death, I find it hard still with strangers.  Equally, talking merrily with people who didn't know Sadie, about this baby makes me feel bad.  I can't fully explain it and I know I'll get past that, but right now I feel like Sadie is at the forefront of my mind and I don't yet know how to fully enjoy this pregnancy.  I am however, very thankful for this new baby.  I love him so much already and he makes me so happy whenever I feel him kicking away.

Well I'm off for a cup of tea now, but I'll blog again soon.