Well the end oflast week was tough and in particular the 3 month anniversary of Sadie's death.  I'm amazed at how hard that is.  I barely moved off the sofa all day and felt so low.  It is scary feeling that low because its hard to imagine feeling normal again.

Drew cheered me up when he came home.  He'd been out for lunch and drinks with his colleagues to celebrate Christmas (he's miles ahead of me and much braver!).  As he'd got in a friend's car for a lift home, his friend's wife had expressed her sadness about us losing Sadie and had asked him about her.  Drew was delighted.  It was the first time in many weeks that someone other than close friends / family had mentioned her to him and it he was so pleased.  That's not a criticism of anyone for not bringing up Sadie. We know its difficult for people to know what to say and some may fear hurting us, but on the contrary, we love talking about her.  We miss her so badly and we've gone from her being the centre of our world, to her not being here and having little reason to mention her in conversation.  We don't want to sound morbid to other people by mentioning her, but we love Sadie so much and it is lovely to talk about her sometimes.  We don't mind people how we are finding life without Sadie or bringing her up in some way.  She's on our minds constantly as she would be if she were alive, so we are really chuffed when someone talks about her.

I have signed up to antenatal classes.  I am feeling scared but its not until Jan so I have a little time. I have to do this as I need to get stronger so I can lead a full life and be a good mummy to our baby when he arrives in Feb.  I think I'm just scared how other women in the group will react to me as its inevitable that the subject of how many children we have will come up and I will of course say we had Sadie.  I'll say it in the most positive way I can and try not to scare anyone or make the feel uncomfortable.  I am attending the sessions to meet new mums and talk about my bump, not to ask for sympathy or to upset other mums to be.  I just hope noone treats me weirdly. I am no different to anyone else.  I know that before I had Sadie, I would have been a bit nervous meeting a mum like me and would have tried to convince myself she was different - that there had to be a reason that her baby died so that I wouldn't be scared that my own might die.  I would also have been scared of upsetting her so  may have avoided her or at least avoided discussing her dead child in any way.  I know now that I was wrong, but pretty normal for feeling like that.  I don't judge anyone else for their reactions but it can hurt when people don't acknowledge Sadie when we tell them.  Its not their fault though.  I totally understand.

Well its Sunday morning and Drew is off for a bike ride as theres no ice about today.  My parents came over yesterday and Dad helped Drew build some new wardrobes in our bedroom.  We're in nesting mode again!  Today we're at one of my best friend's house for dinner, which we're looking forward to.  Tomorrow I turn 33, so I'm just going to try and keep busy and will go and see my parents.