So far today has been a good day... I went with my Dad to put Sadie's cross on her grave.  This is a temporary arrangement to mark her grave whilst we wait for her headstone to be made and carved.  It felt good to mark her grave properly.  I know lots of family and friends visit Sadie's grave and I find that very comforting.  She was a popular girl and known of widely, so I guess its not surprising.

I have been thinking a lot about my visit to Francis House yesterday.  There are so many staff there who really knew and loved Sadie.  They had their own lovely memories of Sadie that were very personal and it was so lovely to hear them.  The team at Francis House became like a second family to us and I spent a lot of time there in the last few weeks of Sadie's life, so I really miss everyone.  I'm glad I feel welcome to return there.  I feel very close to Sadie when I am there as we had lots of good times there.

I also went and did some shopping at Booths today.  I find I hold my breath still when I go anywhere like that. I have no idea why really, but I have to remind myself to breathe.  Well I was fine and I didn't panic or anything.

I got home and my new book 'The Grieving Garden' has arrived.  Its written by parents who have lost children and it seems like a positive book to help grieving parents understand what they're going through and how to cope with difficult situations.  I know there'll be lots of tough situations that arise over coming months and I want to be prepared and handle them well and with dignity.  I want Sadie to be proud of me.

For example, as I progress in pregnancy, other mums to be will want to have cosy waiting-room chats about being pregnant.  This is lovely, but it means the inevitable discussion will arise and I want to talk about Sadie in a happy way that makes me feel like I have celebrated Sadie and that does not make the other woman feel uncomfortable - so that it is a positive experience that doesn't scare anyone away.  I don't want pity, but equally, I don't want to pretend things were any different.  I hope that makes sense.

I can also remember lots of new parents spotting my bump when I was pregnant with Sadie and saying things like "this'll be you soon".  Its a nice thing to say, but I need to respond well, encompassing that I had a little girl of my own, but that she is not here now, all the while keeping it a positive conversation for everyone.

Some people may think - why bother.  Why not just nod, just ignore them or even continue without mentioning Sadie.  For me, thats the worst thing I could do.  Who knows, maybe I will have to do one of these things one day, but I hope I mostly find the courage to say something brave, dignified and cheerful about Sadie.

This afternoon I have a dentist appointment.  I am bracing myself for questions about my baby, as last time I visited I was pregnant with Sadie.  Don't get me wrong; I want / expect people to ask the normal questions, but I just want to be prepared and answer as honestly but as cheerily as I can.

Well I am going to go now as I feel like I am banging on!  Must go and floss, so that when I am asked "do you floss regularly?" I can honestly say "yes" even though I know it is as regular as twice a year! I'll regret that when I am toothless  in my fifties!

Well I am a little bit proud of myself.  The dentist asked me if this was my first baby and I said "no, our daughter died about a month ago" Awkward apologies and silence "But we're very excited about this little one" :)

I am pleased to say I didn't burst into tears and I even managed a smile.  I think that although it was a bit awkward, it wasn't the worst it could be.  I'm glad she asked, as it allowed me to practice saying it and it'll get easier.  Plus, I like being able to say I had a daughter as I am very proud to be able to say that.

I had a little blub back in the car (I really need to keep some tissues in there these days) and probably looked like a nutter when I started talking to Sadie about how silly I felt bursting into tears, but who cares what anyone thinks... I always did like talking to Sadie when the 2 of us were out in the car, so I still do now and then.

Started reading my new book 'The Grieving Garden'.  Its very good.  I can really relate to a lot that is in there.  Especially where people write about staying busy, but the risk is that everyone assumes you are OK, when you're not really.  You're just coping in the only way you know how at the time.  I think the grief always catches up.  You just get so used to putting your brave face on when your child is ill and youhave to be strong, so you carry on with the same strategy after they die, but I don't know if that is healthy or not.  Time will tell I reckon.  I am seeing a counsellor tomorrow, so maybe she'll tell me!

Well its been a long blog today.  I've not been very busy and also had a lot on my mind.

PS I am very pleased to report I have nice healthy teeth... but need to floss more.