I think my blogs are so dull and depressing right now.  I am hoping that things will get easier after the new year.  This month feels horrible and I just want it to be over.

I have been hibernating lots recently.  I just find that I'm at a low point as just missing Sadie so badly and that along with fear of getting even lower leads me to avoid crowds and people in general.  I don't like being this way and don't intend to let this continue but right now it is so hard.  Its a very isolating feeling.  All I can think about is my little girl and where she is and how she is doing without us.  I had a lovely dream last night that she was in my arms and I was feeding her.  It felt very real and I didn't want to wake up.

Today I decided to do my hair and makeup and go out on my own.  I needed my flu jab and to pick up someingredients from the supermarket.  I don't do things like that much so I was nervous.  I had my jab then headed to the supermarket.  I was doing my thing of trying to concentrate and holding my breath.  I was quite pleased with myself and also bumped into my mum-in-law and it was nice to have a natter - she was glad to see me out.  Just as I was at the end of my shopping 'When a Child is Born' started to play.  This sog has always made my mum emotional as I was born at Christmas, when it was in the charts.  So its a special song.  It just reminded me of what a precious moment it is to have your new baby in your arms and I was just filled with grief for not having Sadie here with us.  Its hard to explain all that I felt but I could feel the tears building up and the sobs in my throat.  I was determined to get my things and complete my mission so that I wouldn't be scared next time, but it was so hard.  I could barely speak just trying to fight back the tears and I was visibly shaking so people will have thought how odd I seemed.  Old people seemed to conspire to block my path to the door but eventually I got back to my car.  I had managed to do my shopping, so I was glad, but I had so nearly lost control in there and I just cried and cried in the carpark.  Crying for my baby and crying from self pity because I just hate this.  I just want her here and I hate the way this awful grief makes us feel.  It cripples me some days.

I have to stop feeling this self-pity.  It isn't me at all.  I have avoided it for many months.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I have had a beautiful daughter, who lit up our world.  I have a wonderful husband and I have a bouncing baby on the way.  I have friends and family, many of whom are so supportive and kind.  We have our own health and we are generally happy.  Its just so hard living without Sadie and facing up to the future as well as accepting it.  I will not stay down for long.  There are so many people suffering the same and worse in the world and I am not going to let my life be all about sadness.  I want Sadie to be proud of me. I want to reflect the joy she brought us, not the pain.

I think we just have to take it one day at a time.  I will try to look at today as an achievement rather than a failure.  I daren't become a hermit.  Although perhaps I may stay away from too many people until the festivities are over this year.

Back to my trackie bottoms and pile of satsumas for now.