Well I'd be crazy to think the bad days wouldn't keep coming... I feel very low today.  Some days getting out of bed can be a struggle and today was one of those days.  The mundanity of simple tasks can feel so trivial and unimportant.  I started to clean the bathroom this morning and then thought - what's the point? Very unlike me!

I know that I will snap out of it, and having a cold and headache isn't helping, so I think I'll write today off and stay home, watch telly and drink tea.

I sometimes find it helps to sit in Sadie's nursery.  Although she only slept in there briefly before returning to her moses basket in our room, it is full of Sadie's things; her 'dinky pinkys' as we called them.  She really suited pink - it lit her face up all the more.

Sitting in Sadie's space really helps to bring memories back.  Her baby smell has left her clothes now but they still feel like her and I can still remember how she felt to hold or her face as she enjoyed watching a toy (she never developed to playing).

I know some day soon I will have to sort out Sadie's things and decide which to keep and which to pass on, but I am nowehere near facing that just yet.  It still feels like she'll come back.  Even though I know she won't.  Very hard to explain!

I feel so lonely and isolated today.  Completely despondent.  We just have to accept that some days are like this - the grief feels like a sickness.  Its funny because Drew and I both have nightmares and report being attacked, chased or cornered by wild animals.  I dream of sharks circling me.  Drew has been told that such dreams show a supressed emotion.  I try not to, but sometimes we just have to supress it all.  I hate the pain I feel when we let it flood in, but apparently you can't heal without going through it.  Some days I just don't want to.  I want to be me again and I feel homesick for life before the pain, but we can't pretend.

Mainly, I just misss Sadie so badly, it aches.  She filled our world and we love her so much but don't have any way of showing her.  No more cuddles, kisses, raspberries on her neck, baths, walks, bouncing, dancing, singing, stories or just gazing at her.  All gone.

Wow.  Sorry, this is depressing guys but its reailty today.

When I was at Francis House last week, lots of the team had special memories of Sadie which they shared with me.  It was the most amazing gift they could give.  Last week, I was sat outside a friend's house as I was early meeting for coffee and she was out.  I saw a lady; her neighbour and was reminded of how her daughter taught me to swim.  It was a lovely memory and very special because her daughter died a few years ago.  I wanted to go over and tell her my memory and tell her that I too had lost my little girl.  I didn't because I thought she may not remember me and may think I was mad, or I may upset her.  Maybe I'm right.  Or maybe she'd have been delighted to hear a lovely memory of her daughter.  To be reminded how she touched the lives of others.  I have thought about it lots since though and thought, I hope if thats me down the line, someone would have the courage to come and say hello and maybe even share a memory of Sadie.