I've been fairly busy recently.  Busy doing nothing much really!  Its funny to think I began my maternity leave nearly a year ago.  I took a month's holiday at the start so my maternity leave officially ends on 01/01/11, but I was made redundant after Sadie was born so I also have the weird and fairly unpleasant feeling of being unemployed.  Either way, being without my baby and being off work feels strange and unfair in many ways.  I feel like I'm just wasting time, but then I remember that although Sadie is no longer here, I need to spend time grieving for her and trying to heal.

Yesterday I began to bag up some clothes in the nursery.  When I was pregnant with her, some friends gave me some gorgeous clothes that had belonged to their daughters.  I remember lovingly sorting them by size and packing and labelling them in crates ready for Sadie to look beautiful in as she grew up to be a toddler.  I just took a deep breath and told myself to be strong and not to think too much, but it hurt.  I can't lie.  So now I need to pass these clothes back to those friends and ask them to pass them on however they see fit.  I think its a big hurdle and I'll be glad when I have done that.

The next job is to deal with all Sadie's day to day things and 'current' clothes hanging in her wardrobe and lay in her laundry bag.  That will be a lot tougher and I'm not quite ready.  Drew has made space in our garage and I have crates at the ready, but I will wait until I wake up and think 'OK, I can handle that today'.  Many things are in a memory box and I need to buy a second memory box as some things I want close by.

I have all the materials ready to make Sadie's Star book ready for our little boy, so I will enjoy doing that.  I was very moved to hear a friend had read the story to her young children and that they had enjoyed and understood it and now think of Sadie when they see the stars at night.  Its lovely to know Sadie is remembered.  Its not easy for children and I understand everyone has to handle it with their children as they see best suits them.  My best friend's little 2 year old often asks where Sadie is and of course I have to swallow back the emotion but it makes me smile to know she remembers her and that is very precious.

Drew and I went for a scan with my consultant on Monday.  He didn't mind a bit that I had needed to have this scan and understood why I flap a bit.  It was a huge relief to see that our baby is growing well and that there are no 'markers' for any genetic abnormalities (specifically, Edwards' Syndrome, Downs and Patau's), so I feel more relaxed.  The baby moves a lot these days, which is hugely reassuring. He is 'viable' now and will be born 13 weeks today by CSection.  My scar hurts already, so I am glad I am not attempting a VBAC!  We only waited 4 months after my CS with Sadie before getting pregnant again (against the advice to wait 6 months) so inevitably, things are a little sore, but as long as its all safe (which I am assured it is) then I don't mind in the slightest.

We have decided to do very little this Christmas.  I normally love this time of year and intend to again, but we're not up to it this year.  Last Christmas was filled with hope and excitement as Sadie was scheduled to be born by CS on 30/12/09, so we could think of nothing but excitment over meeting our daughter.  This year will be hard I know.  It will be followed quickly by Sadie's Birthday on 30th Dec.  We'll just take it easy and get through it this year.  I know many other families will be preparing to spend their first Christmas without a loved one.  It is something I never contemplated before.  I intend to make a Christmas decoration for Sadie and we'll visit her grave on Christmas morning.  She will be on our minds as always.

Well it is a very special little girl's 4th Birthday today and the girls are having a little celebration for her at the Thurdsay lunchtime get together, so I'll be going today and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone.  Its funny being around friends and their children.  I love spending time with them and I enjoy seeing them grow up.  I will always want to be a part of that.  In some ways it makes me feel close to Sadie and like I am still a mummy too.  In other ways it reminds me of what I have lost and how Sadie will never get to do the wonderful things she should be able to, so it does hurt, I can't deny it, but it is worth it because I also enjoy those times so much.  I always have a little chat with Sadie afterwards and let her know how much I miss her and love her.  I am sure that she is having lots of fun and doing all the normal girly things and perhaps learning to crawl somewhere right now.  I hope so.

Well I have to go before I start blubbing buckets!