Well I didn't get to go to lunch with the girls yesterday as I needed to pop into the labour ward.  I had some very, very light bleeding. Although it was not anything to worry about really, they always have to check it out, so Drew and I spent 4 hours in the hospital.  Baby is moving lots and so there was no worry really about his health and his heartbeat is strong (always lovely to hear), but as I had a CS so recently we were worried about the scar separating, but all is absolutely fine.

It was strange as I have been worrying a little about returning to the maternity ward as it holds many memories for us now.  Going yesterday helped me to deal with some worries about being there and being around other new mums.  I know I am in good hands.

The labour ward was busy and I couldn't help giggling at some of the noises one lady was making.  Bless her I am sure she was in pain and having never experienced labour, I cannot comment, but the mooing noises were quite funny.

There was a couple fighting in one cubicle - effing and jeffing and she sounded like she was punching him and telling him to go home.  In the end they decided to calm down by going outside for a cigarette.  I find it very hard not to be judgemental when I hear a mother caring so little about her unborn child that she is prepared to smoke.  It makes me very sad when I know there are so many couples desperate for a child.  If this couple knew the horror of losing a baby and seeing their baby helplessly unwell, they would not do it, I am sure.  Anyway, I mustn't rant and must try not to worry about other people's choices.  I'd be lying if I said it didn't sting a little bit though.

We could hear lots of babies on the maternity ward and it made us sad for Sadie. It also made me excited about the arrival of this little boy.  I am so much looking forward to meeting him.  Last night he was wriggling around so much, I just couldn't believe what I was seeing.  I am 26 weeks now and sadly I never saw this type of activity with Sadie.  She hiccuped lots and moved a little but I had nothingto compare the movements to as she was our first baby.

I really am feeling Sadie today.  It is 10 weeks since we lost her.  Last night was the first Thursday I went to bed not thinking about the night she died (she died at 3am on the Friday morning).  I think thats good in some ways but it also feels bad.  I have felt the need to cry for 3 days now but have kept forcing it away as its too painful.  I don't want to.  I think that its catching me up and I need to give in soon.  When I really cry though I just never feel like I'll ever be able to regain composure again so I find it scary.

I have many mums in touch with me these days, whom I have never met, but they are a great community.  Many of them have lost children and some have come to me to talk about babies they have lost recently due to Edwards Syndrome.  I wish with all my heart that we could stop children from dying and that noone else had to go through this.  It is awful and the depair I hear from other mums echoes how we have felt ourselves in these past 10 months.  One thing I am learning is that the waorld can be a tough place and we have to support each other and not fear talking about our feelings.  I have also learnt a huge lesson - living in the moment.  I know we have to make plans, but it means so much to me now to enjoy each day for what it is.  Whilst Drew and I are grieving badly for Sadie and missing her so very much, we also know we have a lot to be thankful for.

Well I am droning on.  Probably had a fresh dose of hormones or something as I feel very thoughtful at the moment and could sit and put the world to right all day!

My friend, Laura was coming for lunch with one of her little boys, Harry and her daughter, Sophie, but she's unable to now due to all these bugs flying around, so I am going to spend time being creative I think.

I'm quite excited that its Friday.  I don't know why as I haven't worked for nearly a year, but I do enjoy having Drew around and going for walks.  I don't like walking on my own.  Haven't done it since Sadie died, because I miss having her with me in her pram.  It feels odd walking without a pram.  I can't power walk or anything because I have a bad back in pregnancy and end up waddling.  I will definitely walk again when baby arrives.  Can't wait to have him out with me in the fresh air.

Right I am definitely off now.