Well I've not posted for a little while because I was very low, then I got the horrible noro virus and then last week I stayed at my parents' house as ours was being decorated and I wanted to steer away from paint fumes etc...

These past few days I have realised I am in a stronger place again.  I still feel the sadness and cry for Sadie frequently, but it feels like some of the weight has lifted.  Who know if this is a temporary feeling or if its the start of me finding some peace.  Only time will tell.

Although I have avoided Sadie's grave since her birthday (I am ashamed to say) I have still connected with her easily.  In fact, I find the grave a hard place to connect with Sadie.  Its obviously an important place, but I hate the thought and knowledge of what the grave is. Sadie's headstone should finally be ready in a couple of weeks and I am dreading the process as its the final step.  Our final practical action for our daughter really - other than taking flowers etc, but thats for us really isn't it? I will be glad when its in situ, as the cross that marks her grave doesn't feel enough.

I have started making a handmade book for our baby about his sister.  Its called Sadie's Star and I am embroidering the front cover.  I found myself chatting to Sadie as I made the cover and wondering whether she would be walking now and maybe trying to say 'mummy' and 'daddy'. It hurts to wonder but equally, its nice to think of her as a healthy little girl in heaven.

Sadie sent us lots of white feathers in the weeks after she died.  They were in unusual places and although many would be sceptical, I am sure many people who have lost someone close are aware that its clear when your child or loved one is connecting with you.  We have had some feathers again recently and they are again, in unusual places.  It feels like a reassuring message that Sadie is happy and watching over us.

I didn't make the antenatal class.  I was still feeling ill and I think I had worked myself up too much with nerves so I thought - why bother?  Its not like I am giving up.  It is just early days and I don't want to go there and be all nervy and make a negative impression on people.  That wouldn't feel good at all.  I have flyers for all the post natal groups and I will go to them with little one.  I am looking forward to it, although I know I will be nervous.

I have been out and about a bit though, visiting friends etc, so I amd getting a bit more active again.  Its good to see friends. I have so much support and I just enjoy having a natter and feeling more like my old self again.

I am 35 weeks now and baby boy will be here on 17/02/2011.  Being pregnant again is nerve wracking,  I am so very anxious and often worry that we are on the brink of more bad news.  It terrifies me.  It is important to stay positive and enjoy each day as it comes.  I am trying to do that, but I will be so glad to hold our little boy in my arms.  I will have to try hard not to be over protective.  I guess we have lived (and are living) the nightmare of losing a child now so we know how hard it is and it is important we don't let the fear take over.

Mainly today I feel very excited.  Baby is wriggling lots, with strong movements.  I am looking forward to everything and will just enjoy every minute.

I have a busy week... counselling and a growth scan amongst other things, so its not an easy week, but I have been praying for strength and feel like I can get through this week.