These recent days have been tough.  Drew and I try so hard and we go out and we can laugh and smile for a while and then we feel exhausted.  Sometimes it can really take it out of us for a couple of days.  We are being genuine when we go out and have a nice time but because it is so far from how we are feeling in out grief, I think it just takes a huge effort and lots of energy.

I have decided to hibernate a little.  I was worried if that was the right thing to do as I have avoided that until now (forcing myself to do things).  Luckily, just as I was fretting about why we were feeling this way, a call came from Francis House and a wonderful lady who specialises in bereavement.  She instinctively knew that around now, we would be feeling this way and she said that we should just go with it and that its normal and healthy.  That was a relief as I don't want either of us to spiral out of control, but I feel more confident that we won't  We are very strong and we talk a lot about how we feel about everything... we reminisce about Sadie, we talk about the terrible times Sadie went through and about how we find simple things and tasks these days.  Grief and the way it manifests itself has been a real surprise to us.  We thought we'd feel low, cry lots and then start moving forward, but in reality it takes on different forms each day and in fact seems to be getting worse in time as it starts to sink in and we realise that we miss her so badly because of course our love for Sadie will never die.

When Sadie was diagnosed and we were told she would die within her first year, we quickly dealt with the information and made the best of things.  I now realise we put our feelings on hold and we now find ourselves grieving again for the loss of her future.  Wishing she had been born in a healthy body, knowing she would have brought us a lifetime of joy as her spirit was so strong.  Sadie had the most beautiful personality.  She was happy, giggly and cheeky.  She was also brave and strong. We know she would have been so much fun to be around and would have continued to make us so very, very proud.  I wish with all my heart that I had my little girl here now.  I wish she could have enjoyed sitting up, taking her first steps and doing all the things she should have been able to enjoy doing during a long, healthy life.  Its such a sad and awful shame.  I know we'll carry those thoughts with us forever and there won't be a day that goes by where we don't wonder - what if?

Being pregnant again is a wonderful blessing.  It is just so very hard.  I am so scared of losing this baby.  I feel very superstitious and the nightmares have started where I dream of being told horrible news about him, just as we experienced with Sadie.  I think it is normal to have these fears.  I want so much to believe he will be born healthy and live a long, full, healthy and happy life.  I pray for that and for Sadie to know how much we love her. I loved being a mummy and I still feel like a mum even though I can't see my children.  I have all this love and no way of showing it to them. 

I feel guilty writing sad blogs like this, but I know someone out there may just read it and think - thats how I feel; I'm not alone. I know in my heart this sadness fog will lift, but who knows when.  I think it just takes time.  Its crippling much of the time right now, but I am assured that the sooner we allow ourselves to feel it, the sooner we can start to move forward. I hope so.  I need to be in a stronger emotional state when junior arrives as I am guessing it will bring a whole new set of emotions: not just joy and wonderful happiness but also memories of what we've lost and the terrible things we witnessed with Sadie.

I hope this week will give me chance to gather strength and feel less emotional and vulnerable.  That's my goal this week - to just deal with my feelings and aim to feel stronger next week so I can get on and have an active week.

I am seeing my midwife tomorrow.  Its a team of midwives so you never know who it'll be.  I just hope theu understand me and my needs as I am a bit delicate right now.  I dread sitting in the waiting room and there being loads of other expecting mums all wanting to have the cosy chat.  I'd love to be able to do that right now but it fills me with dread at the prospect.  I need to ask my midwife for another scan as although I have one booked in late December I need to alay some of the fears I have.  These fears are because I had lots of scans with Sadie as I carried too much fluid and she was small.  Her condition was never picked up on until after she was born. I just need to hear them say that this baby is normal size and there is normal fluid levels; normal everything and I will relax a lot more.

Well I have a few errands to do (without leaving the house!) so I'd better get on.  Hope I haven't sounded too negative!