Quick update as I am very tired and getting a headache, so considering an afternoon snooze...

Its been a busy week with counselling, a visit to Francis House and a trip to the Lake District along with seeing friends and family.  This week hasn't felt quite so tough.  Some days are still very low but it feels like it may be getting easier, which is good as Christmas and Sadie's first Birthday are fast approaching and are likely to be tough.  Who knows... next week could be low again.  There is no pattern or linear process - we just have to take it as it comes, but overall I think we're doing OK.  Counselling helps as its an opportunity to just talk about what has happened, the terrible things I have witnessed and experienced and how I miss Sadie.  It helps just to get it all out each time and that is a very good way of healing.

Visiting Francis House us always tough. I have some very happy and very painful memories there so its bittersweet but everyone knew Sadie and I love being around everyone there.  There will be a ceremony on 6th December where lights are turned on in memory of each child lost this year and they will remain lit until 6th Jan, so I think we'll go along as I like to know Sadie is remembered amongst the festivities.  We were sad to learn that another baby girl who attended Francis House and had Edwards' Syndrome died recently.  She was only a few weeks younger than Sadie and died around 6 weeks after Sadie.  It is very sad and I wish her mummy well.

Our trip to the Lake District was good.  We stayed in a lovely hotel and and enjoyed a bit of luxury.  We very much felt Sadie was around us as we chated about our 3 years of marriage and all that has happened (our anniversary was 24/11) and it felt odd to sip champagne and celebrate but it felt good to toast Sadie and count our blessings.  Sadie brought us so much happiness and she still does.  We feel full of love for her and sometimes that can be overwhelming as it is filled with happiness and sadness.

I am considering attending antenatal classes soon.  Around 60% of women attend to make new friends and it will be good to know some other new mums when this baby arrives.  I know that the inevitable question will arise 'is this your first?' and I am OK with that and happy to talk about Sadie but I need to be careful not to scare others and I certainly don't want pity or sympathy.  I would hate anyone to steer clear of me for fear of not knowing what to say to me or worrying I would be too sad to be around.  I will just tell them a little about Sadie us I am asked but will also explain I am attending in order to focus on our new baby.  I'm nervous I'll get anxious that I'll come across wrong but I'll try my best and hope I won't say it all wrong or burst into tears.  I need to be able to do this as I owe it to our new baby to get out there and spend time with other new nums.  Its no good hiding away as this won't get any easier unless I try.  I'm a bit scared though.

I have been really touched that some friends have found Sadie's Star useful in order to help their children to understand about Sadie.  Every child is different and I know some will find it suitable whereas others may not, but I love to hear that Sadie is remembered.  Its the kindest gift anyone can give us - to remember our little girl.

Well I am going to go now and have a chill before Drew gets home from work.