The funny thing with grief is that just when you think you feel a bit better the pain has a way of catching up and saying "are you kidding? There's a long way to go!".

In many ways its a comfort that there are periods of time where we feel happier and able to enjoy life. There are also times when it just catches up and hits you and you remember this huge empty void and sadness because our little girl died.

By Friday night I had started to realise I was swallowing a big pile of emotion down and then on Saturday Drew and I headed to the garden centre to pick up a new flower arrangement for Sadie's grave.  It felt so wrong to hear jolly Christmas carols and see happy families buying fake trees and sledges and in the midst of it we were just feeling polar opposite at not having our darling daughter here and just having the empty task of making her grave pretty for her.  Don't get me wrong... we do not begrudge others' happiness whatsoever and Christmas is a special time that one day we want to enjoy again, but this year it is so raw and we remember how excited we were last year believing we'd have our daughter's beautiful little face amongst the loved ones but insetad she's buried in a graveyard and we're trying to get used to the idea that she's in heaven.

It sounds like we're feeling sorry for ourselves, but we're not; we're just hugely overwhelmed by how sad it is and how we wish things were different and that Sadie were here and healthy and getting ready for her first Christmas.

We did very little at weekend really.  I went to church on Sunday morning with my mother in law.  It was something I had wanted to do for a while and it was a lovely service by Reverend Paul, who had welcomed Sadie into the Methodist Church and blessed her.  He and the congregation had prayed for Sadie and for us.  He also played a big role in Sadie's funeral and has been very supportive to Drew and me.

Going to church never used to be my thing and I don't see myself attending weekly right now but I found it a huge comfort.  I felt closer to Sadie and when I took communion I became overwhelmed with emotion and the tears just came.  I could do nothing to stop it and I cried for a few hours afterwards.  Personally, I feel that we cannot hide our emotions from God and He knew I needed to let some more tears out, so that is what happened.  I know there'll be more tears to come but I will try to make time for the grief and stop trying to avoid it for so long. 

The night Sadie died, the Priest who came told us that Jesus had lifted her into his arms himself.  It was strangely comforting, but to be faced with taking communion, symbolising Jesus' body and blood, was very hard as it was almost a way of accepting that I am OK with him taking our little girl.  I know she had to die as she was so poorly and I am glad she is in heaven.  I'm so glad I had my mum-in-law with me in church.  She was very supportive and the congregation were also very kind.  I know there are many amongst them who have lost loved ones, including their children.

Don't worry, I'm not turning all religious.  I have my belief and it is a strong faith, but its personal to me.  I just wanted to share that a little as perhaps others may relate to that as faith becomes a major consideration when you lose a child as you want to know they are happy and that you'll be reunited again some day.

I'm very tired at the moment as I'm just getting to that point in pregnancy where I feel cumbersome.  I'm only 27 weeks but feel huge this time!  Last night I was tossing and turning so much I managed to hit Drew twice in the head but luckily he didn't seem to notice much.  Poor Drew.

Well I am off shopping today with my mum to pick up some baby things for our little bump.  We don't need much but there are some essentials he'll need and I don't want to wait until after Christmas as I know how tired I got last time.  I'm excited but scared as it'll bring back memories of doing the same for Sadie and that makes me happy and sad all at once.  I also want to avoid cosy chats with other mums to be and shop assistants as I know I'll be asked "is this your first?"  I'm prepared and I'm OK with being asked, but its just the reaction of some people that hurts - like I've said something so ugly and terrible, but I'm proud of my daughter and will never deny her.  She was beautiful in every way and doesn't want the pity or horror of strangers - she deserves admiration!  I understand their reactions as it wasn't so long ago that I may have reacted in the same way, but now I know better.  Hey, I'm not perfect though and I only know my own preferences but we're all different.

I'm glad I'll have my mum there for moral support. I know it'll be bittersweet for her too.  Hopefully we'll actually enjoy it and maybe treat ourselves to a nice lunch somewhere too!  Oooh and cake!