Well the shopping trip with my mum to buy some stuff for bump went very well.  I know it was tough for both mum and me as we had done very similar trips last year as we excitedly prepared for Sadie's arrival.  I haven't been in a Mothercare since Sadie was born as I used to find it too hard to contemplate but yesterday we did it and we actually enjoyed ourselves too.  It was sad, but we talked about Sadie a lot and reminisced about the things that had suited her and that she had liked and wondered about what this new baby will be like.

We bought some essentials.  Its another 11 weeks away but I recall getting very uncomfortable in the last month and so didn't want to put this off until after Christmas.  I feel so excited about this new baby.  Its hard to imagine having a healthy baby who has a whole future ahead. 

It was strange buying baby boy items.  We tended to stick to unisex just in case the scan had been wrong.  I enjoyed buying little girl things so much for Sadie last year as they are just so girly and gorgeous.  There doesn't seem to be as much stuff for little boys but it is very cute too.  I really have no preference whatsoever anyhow.  We just want this baby to be healthy.  Nothing else matters at all.

Mum and I celebrated with a nice lunch out and then we bought some pink silk flowers for Sadie's grave as this snow isn't so great for plants and fresh flowers.

I've a bit more baby shopping to do, but I feel better now we have faced it and I feel a lot braver. 

The little one has been very active these past 24 hours and it is very strange because Sadie was never this active. She did move and she hiccupped a lot but its only now that I can see the difference.  I also feel a lot bigger this time.  I gained 2&1/2 stone last time (although Sadie was tiny I had lots of excess fluid) and this time I am not weighing myself!  I don't really care as all that matters is that baby arrives safely.  I can worry about my wobbly bits later on.

My Health Visitor came to see me this morning.  She has visited me every couple of weeks or so since Sadie was born and now she still sees me every 3 weeks or so.  Its great to have that consistency and support.  I can chat to her and ask questions and I know she'll be there for me when this little one arrives. 

I'm having a relaxing day at home today.  I'm having the usual aches and pains of pregnancy so am very tired due to lack of sleep.  I am lucky I don't have any major responsibilities right now so I can rest lots and allow myself to grieve too.

I just went on the Compassionate Friends website as they offer support to families who have lost a child.  There's a helpful video clip on there where different parents give their accounts.  I have put the link on the links page.  It was interesting to listen to the impact for grandparents.  I always remember how much my parents and inlaws (along with other close family and friends) loved Sadie and many of them are missing her terribly and grieving too.  For my parents and Drew's parents it must be hard to see their son and daughter go through this on top of missing their grandaughter.  We are lucky they are so close and that we can freely talk and share our feelings.  We give each other a lot of support.

Well I have lots to do around the house, so I'll be off.  I still have to sort out the nursery.  I made a big start on bagging up some clothes that Sadie never wore but the things she wore and used still sit in there and hang in the wardrobe and I just feel sick about doing anything with them. I hope the day comes where I just feel very strong and able to box them up.  We'll keep them safe and close by but its a hard thing to do as it feels so final.