It feels like calm has been restored these past weeks and the grief has slowly receded after the anniversary and become much more manageable again.  Sweet relief!  I think about Sadie all the time and miss her badly. We still feel sad she is gone.  But it feels easier to deal with right now.  I hope this phase lasts and that the sadness and darkness doesn't come crashing back in.

I have managed to build my life back up since the anniversary on 10/09... Pat and I are back out at various mummy and baby groups with all the lovely friends we've made since February.  I really enjoy this - we've made some great friends and have lots of fun and that has boosted my confidence no end.

I have been on a weekend away to Bath with some of my girlfriends - had a great time.  I think I was on a bit of a high to be away and to be doing something fun after a period of hard times and so I really went for it and was back to my usual self.  I did realise that I need to learn the lessons of the past year... when I have lots of fun, its often followed by a eriod of balance because the sadness is always there.  Especially if I am tired or have a drink too many or if I am in crowds and feel overhelmed.... its hard to explain but sometimes the reality of losing Sadie comes crashing in unavoidably when I am out of my comfirt zone (a temporary zone as nothing used to phase me!)  I'd had a few panic attacks around the anniversary so when one came upon me in a bar whilst out one night, I found it hard to bear.  It was the anniversary of Sadie's funeral and I had just decided all day that I would turn my back on that hard memory for now, but this was to my detriment. I knew I was feeling low deep down but I had tried to recapture how I'd been feeling as I waned to stay in that fun happy place and show myself and my friends that I was back and that I could be fun again.  Well the panic attack resulted in me leaving the bar very fast and the usual feelings that anyone who has experienced it will know.  I then was at such a low point that I could not control the grief and boy did that hurt.  I was so cross with myself for managing the grief so poorly and for exposing my sadness in such a way.  The last thing I ever want to do as this I am very private about the hard feelings we have as they are too painful to share.  Luckily I received kindness and support and as able to ground myself again.  It was a scary time as the reality that Sadie was gone can just wipe me out and the despair hits hard.  Well, I have learnt a lesson and I will be more careful in future to maintain balance and not to turn my back on my feelings.  It was good to have had so much fun and I am glad I know that I can do it.

I also had a job interview this week.  Now that is a very long story, so maybe I'll talk about it when I know more.  I was very scared as I have not worked since I went on mat leave in Nov 09 before Sadie was born.  I also have periods where my mind goes blank- not very helpful.  I am pleased to say the interview went well and I was filled with confidence again to realise I can still do something like that. It was a real boost.  Lets just hope I get the job now!

Well there is loads to report and not enough time so they are my highlights.  I could seriously write all day - but no time!