Well for some reason I have found this week fairly hard emotionally.  I have been out with Pat (still can'tdrive after op) in his pram for walks, which has been lovely and also we have seen friends and family, which has also been really nice.  My friend, Vicky has picked me up and taken Pat and me to Amy's a few times now, which has been a great help for me.

I think that the more I do get out, the more that the grief comes out too.  It will take time I think to get through it. I find I can't concentrate very well on things and although I get glimmers of myself, I feel far away from being strong and fuly functional.  I feel like I am trying to accept Sadie's death and move on, but this is proving to be hard and painful. 

I do try to avoid being at Sadie's grave too often.  Everyone is different, but for Drew and me, something our Reverend said at Sadie's funeral made lots of sense.  He told us that her grave was a special place but not to dwell there.  I find that helpful as it means that I feel less guilt about not going there too frequently.  The urge initially to sit there in the middle of the night was very strong and the dark thoughts were hard to manage.  Now, Drew and I go there quite randomly.  I don't feel any closer to Sadie there although it is a precious place where her beautiful body lies, her spirit, we believe, is all around us and is in a heavenly, wonderful place.

Anyhow... on Friday Pat and I were walking around the village and we set off for the church.  We went to Sadie's grave and I found it so hard.  I was glad to have time alone there but it hurts so very much still.  I must have appeared like a weirdo as I walked back with tears in my eyes and barely able to mumble to people as I walked past them.  I tried to smile but I must have just grimaced.  I imagine people think I am a miserable and ungratfeul woman to be there with my gorgeous little boy, but you see my tears are not for Pat at all. He brings nothing but happiness.  We love both our children so much, but we just find it hard to know how to show Sadie our love.

I have been avoiding talking about Sadie this week because I just cry.  I can't contain it and I don't want to get too emotional.  My friends and family are great and they would hate me to feel I couldn't be open in my feelings, but it isn't because I feel I shouldn't but more that it just hurts so much.  I find grief too hard and ugly sometimes.  I don't want to show it.

I went to see the midwife this week and that felt strange as I braced myself seeing other new mums but it was fine.  I find it hard because I used to avoid other new mums when Sadie was here for fear of upsetting people with our circumstances, but I am starting to get more used to talking to people and I am breaking my habits of avoiding people and keeping away. 

Pat is doing so well.  He is gaining weight rapidly and seems almost the same size that Sadie achieved at 8.5 months.  This feels strange to us but is also very reassuring.  He is full of beans and is a really happy little boy.  He absolutely lights up our world.