Browsing Archive: November, 2010

30/11/10 Yesterday's Baby Shopping

Posted by Samara Collins on Tuesday, November 30, 2010, In : Blog 
Well the shopping trip with my mum to buy some stuff for bump went very well.  I know it was tough for both mum and me as we had done very similar trips last year as we excitedly prepared for Sadie's arrival.  I haven't been in a Mothercare since Sadie was born as I used to find it too hard to contemplate but yesterday we did it and we actually enjoyed ourselves too.  It was sad, but we talked about Sadie a lot and reminisced about the things that had suited her and that she had liked and won...
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29/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, November 29, 2010, In : Blog 
The funny thing with grief is that just when you think you feel a bit better the pain has a way of catching up and saying "are you kidding? There's a long way to go!".

In many ways its a comfort that there are periods of time where we feel happier and able to enjoy life. There are also times when it just catches up and hits you and you remember this huge empty void and sadness because our little girl died.

By Friday night I had started to realise I was swallowing a big pile of emotion down and ...
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26/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Friday, November 26, 2010, In : Blog 
Quick update as I am very tired and getting a headache, so considering an afternoon snooze...

Its been a busy week with counselling, a visit to Francis House and a trip to the Lake District along with seeing friends and family.  This week hasn't felt quite so tough.  Some days are still very low but it feels like it may be getting easier, which is good as Christmas and Sadie's first Birthday are fast approaching and are likely to be tough.  Who knows... next week could be low again.  There is ...
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19/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Friday, November 19, 2010, In : Blog 
Well I didn't get to go to lunch with the girls yesterday as I needed to pop into the labour ward.  I had some very, very light bleeding. Although it was not anything to worry about really, they always have to check it out, so Drew and I spent 4 hours in the hospital.  Baby is moving lots and so there was no worry really about his health and his heartbeat is strong (always lovely to hear), but as I had a CS so recently we were worried about the scar separating, but all is absolutely fine.

It w...
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18/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Thursday, November 18, 2010, In : Blog 

I've been fairly busy recently.  Busy doing nothing much really!  Its funny to think I began my maternity leave nearly a year ago.  I took a month's holiday at the start so my maternity leave officially ends on 01/01/11, but I was made redundant after Sadie was born so I also have the weird and fairly unpleasant feeling of being unemployed.  Either way, being without my baby and being off work feels strange and unfair in many ways.  I feel like I'm just wasting time, but then I remember that ...


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10/11/10 - where has 2 months gone?

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, November 10, 2010, In : Blog 
I never would have realised how much it hurts as the time marches on after losing someone.  It is 2 months today since Sadie died. It feels like it was yesterday.  More real maybe now because the numbness has worn off and the sad, shocking memories are very clear.  There's no real way of putting it into words other than to say we miss Sadie so very much.  She is still and always will be our precious little girl and we love her with all our hearts.  I would give anything for just one more mome...
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07/11/10 (Edwards' Syndrome)

Posted by Samara Collins on Sunday, November 7, 2010, In : Blog 
Friday was a good day for lifting my spirits. I felt a lot better after visiting the Reverend and I have felt much stronger these past couple of days.   Drew and I went to his sister and her boyfriend's house last night for a takeaway and had a great evening with family.

I have bought materials now from Hobbycraft so that I can make a special book (Sadie's Star) for our son-to-be. I hope I can get my creative hat on this week as I am also embroidering (yes, you read right!) a picture for our l...
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05/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Friday, November 5, 2010, In : Blog 
I have been to see the reverend at my methodist church this morning.  He was very supportive and has been from the beginning.  It helped to talk and gain reassurance.  It really helps just to be able to talk honestly about how I feel.  I felt much lighter when I left and althouh I still feel low, I feel I have regained a little strength.

I have started to sort things out in Sadie's room or rather, the nursery (as it will be our little boy's room) this morning.  It will take me some time, but I...
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04/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Thursday, November 4, 2010, In : Blog 
I went to Sadie's grave this morning.  It really hurts, as when I am on the way there I feel a sense of anticipation that I am going to see Sadie, but then I remember that she is dead and I am only visiting her grave.  There are some intense feelings when visiting Sadie's grave.  Too dark to write here even.  I mainly realise my inability to hold her in my arms and be a mother to her and my inability to protect her.

Visiting the grave is harder these days. I know it'll get easier but right now...
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03/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, November 3, 2010, In : Blog 
Wow.  It feels like I have hit new depths today.  It is helping just to be at home and to let the feelings come and face it properly.  It is really, really hard though.  I am overwhelmed by how much I miss Sadie and want her here.  I think this is OK and that I have to go through this stage, but its scary as for 8 weeks I have avoided letting go for fear that if I let myself feel the pain and sadness I won't be able to get a foothold and be OK again.  I am starting to realise that gradually y...
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02/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Tuesday, November 2, 2010, In : Blog 
I am so saddened to hear that Lily Allen has lost her baby at 6 months pregnant.  I think its her second loss and having to suffer that in the public eye must be even harder.  I was even more saddened to learn of the nasty site someone had set up on Facebook saying that Lily should stop trying to have a baby and saying some despicable things about babies with special needs and difficulties.  It is horrible that there are people like that out there, but I pity that person as they clearly have ...
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01/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, November 1, 2010, In : Blog 

Drew and I had a pretty good weekend.... we didn't do very much but we got out a bit and also visited family in Hoylake and had lunch and then a walk on the beach.

We decided we wouldn't visit Sadie's grave this weekend.  That really hurt but we were feeling pretty low and we do normally visit twice a week at the moment, but sometimes its hard to actually do anything afterwards because its so upsetting visiting her grave.  Its the worst thing having to go to a graveside to visit your daughter ...


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Below are 2 articles I have written for the SOFT Newlsetter.  SOFT is a charity Support Organisation for Families of Trisomy. 

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Article 2.docx Article 2.docx
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About Me


Samara Collins I'm Samara Collins (nee Samara Lawrence) and I'm 35 years old. I live in a village called Mobberley in Cheshire with my husband Drew, our son, Patrick (born 17/02/11) and our cat, Clive. Our daughter, Sadie was born on 30/12/09. 24 hours after her birth we were told she had Edwards Syndrome (Trisomy 18) and a large VSD (hole in her heart) and would die very soon. She passed away aged 8 & 1/2 months on 10/09/10. Sadie was our first child and she was a wonderful surprise after 18 months of trying to conceive and then being told I was infertile! She is our miracle. I immediately loved being a mummy and miss Sadie terribly. I was made redundant shortly after Sadie was born. We are strong but we still focus on remaining so and on maintaining normality and enjoying our son, Pat. Grieving is a weird process and totally unavoidable. I think I'm doing OK most days but when I need to express myself and the grief becomes overwhelming and isolating I find writing really helps me.

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