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7 years on

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, October 4, 2017, In : Blog

Here I am 7 years on from losing Sadie. We have gone on to have more children: Patrick, now 6 and Abigail, now 2.

Life is is full and busy and happy. The truth is that the grief is still there. Just the same but I manage it better. Well mostly. I’m no different to any of the other bereaved parents I’ve met and been in touch with - we all learn to live with it in our own ways.

Next week I’m lucky enough to be climbing Kilimanjaro with 4 friends, 3 of whom are raising money for the Lullab...
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Easter Blog

Posted by Samara Collins on Saturday, March 30, 2013, In : Blog

Hi Everyone and Happy Easter!

I really must try to find more time to report on how things are. In general Drew and I are really strong and happy and we are hugely thankful for that. Life is full and Patrick is utterly wonderful. We feel blessed.

I am in the process of publishing Sadie's Star which is so exciting and it means the world to me. I sound like an X Factor contestant now!

We have our moments still and we miss Sadie so much. She remains as always, our much loved daughter and she re...
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Preparing for Sadie's 3rd Birthday

Posted by Samara Collins on Saturday, December 29, 2012, In : Blog

We had a lovely Christmas with 13 of us on Christmas day for dinner at our house. We really value our family time and enjoyed spending such a fun Christmas with Pat. We managed our grief fairly well although we missed Sadie as always.

After all the energy of Christmas Drew and I feel wiped out and have hibernated a little - just going for walks and playing with Pat. We have found the sadness heavy in our hearts. We are well used to this now and know how to handle this but it often means let...
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Christmas, Sadie's Birthday and a New Job

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, December 19, 2012, In : Blog

Hmmm life is pretty stressful right now. My new job is full on and involves working around some very tricky situations right now on top of a long commute. I miss Pat as I work full time now. As we have found out before, when we are readjusting to things in life the grief becomes stronger and it needs to be balanced again. I find myself crying on my way to work each day. It can come from nowhere and the sobs and hurt wrack my body with a shocking violence. Still as raw underneath as ever...
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Next Big Step

Posted by Samara Collins on Sunday, December 2, 2012, In : Blog

I start a new job tomorrow morning. Back into my HR career, so I need to be 100% on form and ready! I am very nervous and also excited about returning to what I know best (work-wise). I just hope it all comes back to me and that my confidence remains intact. Building new relationships has been very tough since losing Sadie for obvious reasons and this last year working at the recruitment consultancy I have built my confidence back up and pushed my limits further. I feel ready. My memory ...
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Balance is restored

Posted by Samara Collins on Tuesday, November 27, 2012, In : Blog

Well my last entry was a little dispirited and I felt full of despair as I was struggling. At times when I feel that low I find I need to explain myself, hibernate and make a plan. Hibernation for me means taking a quieter approach to life for a period without getting too involved in the outside world. I hide away a little.

I feel I have come out of the other side of that particular dip. I know dips will continue as is a part of depression and of the grief. I know that the depression will ...
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Coping with Depression

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, November 12, 2012, In : Blog

I think I have mentioned before that a little while back, around the second anniversary of Sadie's death, I finally discussed my low mood and depression with my GP, as this has grown progressively worse. I have treatment now and my GP advised me that I would likely need medication for at least a year.

I often find that I can go for weeks without feeling too low but now and then I am knocked for six and it can be overwhelming. Often these bouts send me into cycles I have come to notice - I fe...
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Reflecting on September

Posted by Samara Collins on Saturday, September 29, 2012, In : Blog

What a month it has been! I have been pleasantly surprised to be able to reflect on how far we have come these past 2 years. We are as healed as we've ever been. The grief remains the same - like the diagram we were shown by so many grief counsellors when Sadie died. We were shown two diagrams - the first was one circle completely filled with black. The other was the same circle - all black and the same size with a large white circle surrounding it. This depicts that the grief is all enc...
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Running with Sadie

Posted by Samara Collins on Saturday, September 1, 2012, In : Blog

I have recently found that running (jogging really in my case!) is a big help to me with my grief management. It gives me time to think and I find that I spend my runs thinking about Sadie lots and and its a nice way to remember her and spend time with her memory and almost say things to her that I want to say. I listen to music as I run and it is amazing how many songs remind me of Sadie and I find this very uplifting. My favourite at the moment is U2's City of Blinding Lights. This song ...
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Life is Very Busy

Posted by Samara Collins on Friday, May 11, 2012, In : Blog

Well its been a while since I last posted and generally that is a good sign because life is moving fast and I'm just getting on with it an managing the grief.

As I write this, I am in bed because Drew, Pat and I were involved in a car accident last Saturday on the M1, whena car hit us in the outside lane. I am so relieved that Pat and Drew are unhurt, but I was actually leaning round to check on Pat in the back seat at the time and soI was thrown about and sustained head injuries, internal br...
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Mothers Day

Posted by Samara Collins on Sunday, March 18, 2012, In : Blog

Missed Sadie so much today. I had thought today may not be so bad but when I sat for a moment on my own I realised how sad I felt and just could have curled up and spent the day crying. Generally though, after a good cry I can get on with the rest of the day. Drew had purposely kept the plans minimal so we just headed offfor a walk with Pat. We had a lovely day, but I have had a heavier heart all day. I have wondered about my other bereaved parent friends and hope their days have been pe...
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That impossible question

Posted by Samara Collins on Thursday, March 15, 2012, In : Blog

Time and again I ask myself how to handle the questionof how many children I have and I often find myself avoiding that conversation topic - trying to divert someone I have just met from talking kids. This is not great when I am trying to build relationships as part of my job, but what potenial client wants to hear me say that I have 2 children, Sadie and Pat, but sadly Sadie died 18 months ago??? Naturally I like to help them out by saying something positive or moving the conversation forwa...
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Two Trips to Francis House - part 2

Posted by Samara Collins on Saturday, February 11, 2012, In : Blog

Finally a moment to write....

So the second trip to FH was arranged so that I could talk to someone in the bereavement team. Thats a huge help as it enabled me to talk about the grief as it is so unrelenting and it really helpsto talk to someone who can help me understand this better. Whilst I was there I learnt that a little girl called Laura who had been staying at Francis House for end of life care whilst we were there had now died. Mostly children stay at FH for a day or so of respite and...
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Two Trips to Francis House

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, February 6, 2012, In : Blog

Pat and I went to Francis House a couple of weeks ago now. I like to visit from time to time for support from the berevament team and to remember the time we spent there for respite and care with Sadie. It makes it all seem very real. I mean, yes, everyday we wake up and our daughter is dead and that knowledge is there constantly but its something you can't repeatedly and contantly examine every waking moment as life needs to go on. But when I visit FH, I remember how truly awful it is that...
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A funny old day

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, January 25, 2012, In : Blog

Well today I went down south for a team meeting. We flew down, which was a bit strange for me. Hard to explain, but I guess a combo of things... I've not flown since before being pregnant with Sadie and I felt flustered (although I hope I hod it relatively well). Also, just the feeling again of things being at 'normal pace' which seems poles apart from our true normality. I still sometimes feel like I have been plunged back into a parallel universe and inside I am a grieving mum, but my ex...
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Busy Busy Busy!!!

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, January 23, 2012, In : Blog

Life is busy again and we're getting out as usual. I can't say I fire on all cylinders since losing Sadie but I am getting there.

I am still in a temporary contact work-wise and hoping toland something more permanent, although to be honest I'd love moretime with Pat and to spend more time doing work with SOFT and helpingother bereaved parents but we just don't have the time and cannot afford for me to be out of work so all in good time I guess.

Pat is growing up so fast and is 11months now. ...
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Happy New Year!

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, January 2, 2012, In : Blog

Drew and I had a lovely new year. Last new year had been tough because the memory of new year's eve 2009 was hideous and vivid as we were told that Sadie was going to die and that there was nothing that could be done. It was the most painful day of my life. So, I hadn't held any hope for this year, but Drew went to a huge effort and got busy preparing lovely food and keeping us both topped up with champagne as we reminisced in the year gone by and looked forward to the year ahead with excit...
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Getting easier again

Posted by Samara Collins on Saturday, December 31, 2011, In : Blog

Happy to report that after a rocky few days, I am starting to pick up again and the grief is more under control. That was a scary dark period, but I needed to go all the way down to come up feeling strong again. Starting to feel human and more like me again.
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Rock bottom

Posted by Samara Collins on Thursday, December 29, 2011, In : Blog

Well today I can honestly say I hit the bottom again. I can't bear to see anyone and just cannot get myself together properly. But, the good thing about hitting rock bottom is that you always come back up again, so thats a definite positive. I just feel very tired of struggling each day to be ok - I probably just needed to let myself be honest. I won'tlet myself stay at this level but today I am wallowing in it. Its hard for Drew. He is so good with me and probably the only person I ever...
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Sadie's 2nd Birthday fast approaching

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, December 28, 2011, In : Blog

The Christmas festivities, Sadie's 2nd Birthday and a new year all combine to feel very hard really. It feels like I am constantly reliving what happened and still desperately wishing that there was a way I could hold Sadie for just another minute. The ache I feel all the time, feels very heavy now and one of the hardest parts is realising this will never go -she is never coming back to us and I often wonder how I will adjust and learn to live with this, but I know that I'll find it manageb...
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11/12/11 Update

Posted by Samara Collins on Sunday, December 11, 2011, In : Blog

I've thought a lot about grief over the last few weeks because although its always there and always painful, I have felt the loss and sadness much more acutely in recent weeks than I have for a little while and this took me by surprise. I realised that sometimes we get used to the grief and the shock of Sadie's death ebbs away a little, but at certain times it hits like asledgehammer and repeatedly leave you feeling devastated inside. I think this is often the case against a backdrop of rea...
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19/11/11 Update

Posted by Samara Collins on Saturday, November 19, 2011, In : Blog

I've been trying to write an acrticle for SOFT's website about life with Sadie and having a rainbow baby but I think it will be hard because I want to write every detail. I could fill a book!

I started work last week - a 2 month assignment which is part time. I am really enjoying it and Pat is loving his time at nursery and his Nana and Grandpa's. It will hopefully enable me to build my confidence back up.

Its strange resuming full normality now and it leave me with less time to grieve and t...
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Quick update

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, November 7, 2011, In : Blog

Just a quick note to say life feel full and busy again. I the last month or so life has changed drastically and feels like a sort of normality has been restored. My confidence is on the increase and I am enjoying getting out in the world much more. It feels strange but good to be moving forward.

I think attending the bereavement training course was a huge leap and it helped me realise that moving forward doesn't mean leaving Sadie behind. Instead we find ways of keeping her memory alive ...
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Steps Forward

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, October 19, 2011, In : Blog

Gradually each day has become much easier. It feels as if the grief is still there and I am sure it always will be. Sadie is still at the forefront of our minds of course but the sadness isn't always so acute or so raw. We have built our world back up to a point where we are frequently busy and enjoying life for what it is right now.

There are times that are still hard butthese are more manageable. Pat is poorly with Bronchitis at the moment and it has me gripped with fear because I know...
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A time of peace and happiness

Posted by Samara Collins on Saturday, September 24, 2011, In : Blog

It feels like calm has been restored these past weeks and the grief has slowly receded after the anniversary and become much more manageable again. Sweet relief! I think about Sadie all the time and miss her badly. We still feel sad she is gone. But it feels easier to deal with right now. I hope this phase lasts and that the sadness and darkness doesn't come crashing back in.

I have managed to build my life back up since the anniversary on 10/09... Pat and I are back out at various mummy a...
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Thanks

Posted by Samara Collins on Sunday, September 11, 2011, In : Blog

Well the build up of about 6 or so weeks prior to the anniversary was really tough and the hardest days were those right before the anniversary as the memories cameflooding back - many memories and feelings we had seemingly blocked out as they were so painful to recall. Drew and I discussed these memories and feelings and this realy helped us to accept that these things happened and that we feel so sad about it. Drew and I left Pat with my parents on Friday and we went to the grave first an...
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Just breathe in and out

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, September 5, 2011, In : Blog

Drew and I have heavy hearts at the moment. Just lots of sadness and lots of memories of this time last year. We are blessed with such happy memories of Sadie - so many of them and they will always bring us happiness and comfort. Right now though, its about getting through this period of grief. Sadie was so strong and dignified and we want to honour her by being just as she was.

This weekend Drew and I took Pat out for walks as always. We always feel rejuvenated after a walk and its so ...
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The approaching anniversary or 'angelversary' as they're known

Posted by Samara Collins on Friday, September 2, 2011, In : Blog

We continue to find flash backs to last year. I am amazed at the things that happened and I wonder now how we managed to stay awake night after night looking after Sadie and also how we went on to bring home morphine and administer that regularly to our perfect baby along with other strong drugs like midazolam. I admire parents who have to do such things for a length of time. I know that although it is wonderful to have your child, regardless of the challenges they face, it is hard to adju...
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Thinking of one year ago

Posted by Samara Collins on Saturday, August 20, 2011, In : Blog

It feels like we are reliving the last few weeks of Sadie's life. She was really poorly last August and we started to rely more on Francis House for help. Sadie began to need a feeding tube again as she could not drink her milk without becoming too tired to get enough. The past few weeks have felt really hard and its clear that the build up to the anniversary will be tougher than I had imagined. It is clear that the grief and sadness will always be there and some days and weeks we manage i...
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Just can't write these days!

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, July 4, 2011, In : Blog

Well for various reasons I just don't seem to blog these days. The main reason is that I have so little time for it, but I also feel that I only think of blogging when I feel low with grief and I don't want this to be so very negative. Another reason is that I find myself in some very hard circumstances each week that I work so hard to deal with and keep a smile on my face if possible, so I feel like then blogging about it would be undoing that in some way. People try so hard to be underst...
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Strange time

Posted by Samara Collins on Friday, May 20, 2011, In : Blog

I had a good week and Pat an dI have been out a fair bit at post-natal group and seeing some friends and family. Its been an easier week grief-wise and although it never leaves me flly I have had some laughs and even went out to dinner at a friend's with a few of my girlfriends last night which was really nice. I'm feeling a bit lower today so Pat and I went out briefly with my mum but we're having a sofa afternoon now so I can recharge. I am trying to fight the sadness but I think I may h...
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Quick Blog

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, May 16, 2011, In : Blog

Pat is having a nap so I am quickly updating my blog.

Had a lovely weekend... Seen a few friends and family, went to the gym (!) and also been for some walks. Pat's Nana comes to sit for him for a couple of hours most Sunday afternoons whilst Drew and I go for a long walk to blow the cobwebs away. Drew and I always have our best talks when we walk. I always feel better for them. Pat gets to spend time with his Nana. His grandparents love sitting for Pat and he really enjoys being with them...
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Update 10/05/11

Posted by Samara Collins on Tuesday, May 10, 2011, In : Blog

Its hard to believe that 8 months has passed since Sadie died. So much has happened and yet it still feels like yesterday. Today has hit me hard possibly because I have been doing quite well in recent weeks. I miss Sadie so much and I feel overwhelmed by how sad I feel trying to accept she has gone. Sadie was such a happy, bright little girl. yes, she was had severe disabilities and had her struggles because of this, but she was so brave and she enjoyed the life that she had. She was suc...
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Update 09/05/11

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, May 9, 2011, In : Blog

Well its been a while since my last post as I have been so busy. This site-builder doesn't allow me to paste text, so I have to quickly type my blog and save it there and then, which isn't ideal.

So much has happened these past few weeks. The grief has been very hard and I am realising that as I have been told, we have to learn to live with the grief rather than expect it to fade. It takes a bit of managing! Some days, without warning, I plummet to depths of sadness, disbelief and despair ...
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Quick Update

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, April 11, 2011, In : Blog

I am so busy these days as any mum is. I just thought I'd updtae quickly to say I am doing OK. Mothers' Day was a tough one this year. The day itself was fine, but I found the approach difficult - just being aware that it was coming up. I am still working hard with the balance of being in the depths of grief and yet being overjoyed with Pat, Pat is truly amazing. The grief is still so raw though and there appears to be no way round it. I wish I had time to post more, but I will try to ...
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A tough week

Posted by Samara Collins on Saturday, March 26, 2011, In : Blog

Well for some reason I have found this week fairly hard emotionally. I have been out with Pat (still can'tdrive after op) in his pram for walks, which has been lovely and also we have seen friends and family, which has also been really nice. My friend, Vicky has picked me up and taken Pat and me to Amy's a few times now, which has been a great help for me.

I think that the more I do get out, the more that the grief comes out too. It will take time I think to get through it. I find I can't c...
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A good day

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, March 16, 2011, In : Blog

Pat is doing very well and he is just gorgous in every way. He is starting to smile a little and is also enjoying trying to grab his toys. He can lift his head easily and so he spends quite a bit of time on his tummy on how play mat now.

Earlier this week Pat and I ventured out alone for the first time. Having had a csection, I am not allowed to drive for 2 more weeks, so I took Pat in his pram to see my sister in law, Pat's Auntie Clare. It felt strange being out on our own and also wal...

Enjoying Pat and Missing Sadie

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, March 2, 2011, In : Blog

Just a quick update to say Pat is doing very well. He is absolutely brilliant and we feel so lucky to have him. He's full of personality and gorgeous too. So many people have sent lovely cards and messages and we've been amazed by the lovely, kind gifts we've been sent from so many people for Pat.

Missing Sadie doesn't change. Its fabulous having such immense joy back in our lives but the pain of losing Sadie is overwhelming at times and it is all I can do to hold those emotions back until ...
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Sadie became a big sister

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, February 23, 2011, In : Blog

On 17/02/2011 Patrick Richard Collins was born by CSection weighing 6lb10oz. Pat is absolutely gorgeous and we are so thrilled to have him. We feel utterly blessed to have had 2 beautiful babies and although Sadie is in Heaven we know she is watching over Pat.

Being pregnant with Pat was truly terrifying. I tried my best to relax and enjoy it, but we were so afraid to bring another baby into the world but we are so happy to have Pat here. As we work our way through our grief we know Pat wi...
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15/02/11 Quick Update

Posted by Samara Collins on Tuesday, February 15, 2011, In : Blog

Well it's 5.20pm and its fair to say the nerves are getting to Drew and me. Drew came home quite early from work as he just cannot concentrate now. We are both hugely anxious and cannot help worrying about the baby being poorly in some way. There are so many fears attached to that as we know now just how hard it is to have a child who is living with a disability, both from living through that with Sadie and from knowing parents and their children who are living with that reality. We are sc...
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07/02/11

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, February 7, 2011, In : Blog

I seem to become increasingly anxious. Anxiety and intense grief do battle in my head and heart constantly. I have only 10 days until baby will be here, but I am finding the terror hard to bear.

Poor Drew is having to put up with a lot and is doing his best to keep me calm whilst dealing with his own grief and worries. For us, our experience of parenting has always been tough. Sadie was wonderful and we enjoyed every moment with her, but it was so hard too. It was very intense - always know...
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03/02/11

Posted by Samara Collins on Thursday, February 3, 2011, In : Blog

Nothing much to update really! I've been out a little in the last 2 weeks but now just wanting to stay at home. The anxiety and grief are very hard to handle together and I am left with very low resources and I am very emotional. I think the hormones add to this.

My bump is getting huge and I am 37 weeks (full term) tomorrow. Our little boy will be here 2 weeks today and I will just be so glad to know he is safe and healthy and I can't wait to give him lots of cuddles. Being pregnant whils...
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23/01/11 - Getting to Grips

Posted by Samara Collins on Sunday, January 23, 2011, In : Blog

Well I've not posted for a little while because I was very low, then I got the horrible noro virus and then last week I stayed at my parents' house as ours was being decorated and I wanted to steer away from paint fumes etc...

These past few days I have realised I am in a stronger place again. I still feel the sadness and cry for Sadie frequently, but it feels like some of the weight has lifted. Who know if this is a temporary feeling or if its the start of me finding some peace. Only time ...
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23/01/11 - Getting to Grips

Posted by Samara Collins on Sunday, January 23, 2011, In : Blog

Well I've not posted for a little while because I was very low, then I got the horrible noro virus and then last week I stayed at my parents' house as ours was being decorated and I wanted to steer away from paint fumes etc...

These past few days I have realised I am in a stronger place again. I still feel the sadness and cry for Sadie frequently, but it feels like some of the weight has lifted. Who know if this is a temporary feeling or if its the start of me finding some peace. Only time ...
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11/01/11 - Tough Times

Posted by Samara Collins on Tuesday, January 11, 2011, In : Blog

Well I think I had pinned my hopes on it being January and with festivities out of the way I thought I could take a deep breath and start moving on. Its not quite a simple as that though. I am trying to get out and we are doing little bits, which is nice, but I have very little strength. I am finding it hard to keep my emotions in check and spend lots of time crying and generally feeling about the lowest I could have ever imagined.

I saw my GP yesterday and he said there's nothing to be don...

Happy New Year!

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, January 3, 2011, In : Blog

Well, we survived the Christmas period and Sadie's first Birthday and I can honestly say I am so glad that its January and there are no majorly difficult dates on the horizon for now.

Christmas was harder that I could have imagined. The build up of festivities was hard because we just felt so polar opposite to that. We didn't decorate our house this year. I normally love doing that and I will again next year. It just felt wrong. We're missing Sadie so much and we had so much looked forwar...
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15/12/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, December 15, 2010, In : Blog

I think my blogs are so dull and depressing right now. I am hoping that things will get easier after the new year. This month feels horrible and I just want it to be over.

I have been hibernating lots recently. I just find that I'm at a low point as just missing Sadie so badly and that along with fear of getting even lower leads me to avoid crowds and people in general. I don't like being this way and don't intend to let this continue but right now it is so hard. Its a very isolating feel...
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13/12/10 - My First Birthday Without Sadie

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, December 13, 2010, In : Blog

Well I have nearly made it through my first birthday after losing Sadie. It has hit me like a truck. I could barely sleep last night feeling so sad and this morning I found fresh grief. All I want for my Birthday is to hold Sadie in my arms. Even just for a minute. That will never be possible and I miss her so badly, its a physical feeling. I spent a long time in her nursery this morning just holding her things and eventually I felt a little better.

Mum and Dad came over and listened to m...
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12/12/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Sunday, December 12, 2010, In : Blog

Well the end oflast week was tough and in particular the 3 month anniversary of Sadie's death. I'm amazed at how hard that is. I barely moved off the sofa all day and felt so low. It is scary feeling that low because its hard to imagine feeling normal again.

Drew cheered me up when he came home. He'd been out for lunch and drinks with his colleagues to celebrate Christmas (he's miles ahead of me and much braver!). As he'd got in a friend's car for a lift home, his friend's wife had expres...
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08/12/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, December 8, 2010, In : Blog

Its so hard to believe that Sadie has been gone from our lives for 3 months on Friday. This is a hard month as (as per previous blogs) the run up to Christmas is tough without Sadie here to share it with us. In addition, Sadie's first Birthday is on 30/12 and then New Years Eve will also be tough.

Last NYE was the worst day of our lives as we were told the shocking news that Sadie had Edwards Syndrome and would die very soon. There was nothing we could do. Its a blurr in many ways. I reme...
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30/11/10 Yesterday's Baby Shopping

Posted by Samara Collins on Tuesday, November 30, 2010, In : Blog

Well the shopping trip with my mum to buy some stuff for bump went very well. I know it was tough for both mum and me as we had done very similar trips last year as we excitedly prepared for Sadie's arrival. I haven't been in a Mothercare since Sadie was born as I used to find it too hard to contemplate but yesterday we did it and we actually enjoyed ourselves too. It was sad, but we talked about Sadie a lot and reminisced about the things that had suited her and that she had liked and won...
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29/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, November 29, 2010, In : Blog

The funny thing with grief is that just when you think you feel a bit better the pain has a way of catching up and saying "are you kidding? There's a long way to go!".

In many ways its a comfort that there are periods of time where we feel happier and able to enjoy life. There are also times when it just catches up and hits you and you remember this huge empty void and sadness because our little girl died.

By Friday night I had started to realise I was swallowing a big pile of emotion down and ...
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26/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Friday, November 26, 2010, In : Blog

Quick update as I am very tired and getting a headache, so considering an afternoon snooze...

Its been a busy week with counselling, a visit to Francis House and a trip to the Lake District along with seeing friends and family. This week hasn't felt quite so tough. Some days are still very low but it feels like it may be getting easier, which is good as Christmas and Sadie's first Birthday are fast approaching and are likely to be tough. Who knows... next week could be low again. There is ...
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19/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Friday, November 19, 2010, In : Blog

Well I didn't get to go to lunch with the girls yesterday as I needed to pop into the labour ward. I had some very, very light bleeding. Although it was not anything to worry about really, they always have to check it out, so Drew and I spent 4 hours in the hospital. Baby is moving lots and so there was no worry really about his health and his heartbeat is strong (always lovely to hear), but as I had a CS so recently we were worried about the scar separating, but all is absolutely fine.

It w...
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18/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Thursday, November 18, 2010, In : Blog

I've been fairly busy recently. Busy doing nothing much really! Its funny to think I began my maternity leave nearly a year ago. I took a month's holiday at the start so my maternity leave officially ends on 01/01/11, but I was made redundant after Sadie was born so I also have the weird and fairly unpleasant feeling of being unemployed. Either way, being without my baby and being off work feels strange and unfair in many ways. I feel like I'm just wasting time, but then I remember that ...

10/11/10 - where has 2 months gone?

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, November 10, 2010, In : Blog

I never would have realised how much it hurts as the time marches on after losing someone. It is 2 months today since Sadie died. It feels like it was yesterday. More real maybe now because the numbness has worn off and the sad, shocking memories are very clear. There's no real way of putting it into words other than to say we miss Sadie so very much. She is still and always will be our precious little girl and we love her with all our hearts. I would give anything for just one more mome...
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07/11/10 (Edwards' Syndrome)

Posted by Samara Collins on Sunday, November 7, 2010, In : Blog

Friday was a good day for lifting my spirits. I felt a lot better after visiting the Reverend and I have felt much stronger these past couple of days. Drew and I went to his sister and her boyfriend's house last night for a takeaway and had a great evening with family.

I have bought materials now from Hobbycraft so that I can make a special book (Sadie's Star) for our son-to-be. I hope I can get my creative hat on this week as I am also embroidering (yes, you read right!) a picture for our l...
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05/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Friday, November 5, 2010, In : Blog

I have been to see the reverend at my methodist church this morning. He was very supportive and has been from the beginning. It helped to talk and gain reassurance. It really helps just to be able to talk honestly about how I feel. I felt much lighter when I left and althouh I still feel low, I feel I have regained a little strength.

I have started to sort things out in Sadie's room or rather, the nursery (as it will be our little boy's room) this morning. It will take me some time, but I...
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04/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Thursday, November 4, 2010, In : Blog

I went to Sadie's grave this morning. It really hurts, as when I am on the way there I feel a sense of anticipation that I am going to see Sadie, but then I remember that she is dead and I am only visiting her grave. There are some intense feelings when visiting Sadie's grave. Too dark to write here even. I mainly realise my inability to hold her in my arms and be a mother to her and my inability to protect her.

Visiting the grave is harder these days. I know it'll get easier but right now...
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03/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, November 3, 2010, In : Blog

Wow. It feels like I have hit new depths today. It is helping just to be at home and to let the feelings come and face it properly. It is really, really hard though. I am overwhelmed by how much I miss Sadie and want her here. I think this is OK and that I have to go through this stage, but its scary as for 8 weeks I have avoided letting go for fear that if I let myself feel the pain and sadness I won't be able to get a foothold and be OK again. I am starting to realise that gradually y...
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02/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Tuesday, November 2, 2010, In : Blog

I am so saddened to hear that Lily Allen has lost her baby at 6 months pregnant. I think its her second loss and having to suffer that in the public eye must be even harder. I was even more saddened to learn of the nasty site someone had set up on Facebook saying that Lily should stop trying to have a baby and saying some despicable things about babies with special needs and difficulties. It is horrible that there are people like that out there, but I pity that person as they clearly have ...
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01/11/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, November 1, 2010, In : Blog

Drew and I had a pretty good weekend.... we didn't do very much but we got out a bit and also visited family in Hoylake and had lunch and then a walk on the beach.

We decided we wouldn't visit Sadie's grave this weekend. That really hurt but we were feeling pretty low and we do normally visit twice a week at the moment, but sometimes its hard to actually do anything afterwards because its so upsetting visiting her grave. Its the worst thing having to go to a graveside to visit your daughter ...

29/10/10 - Emails

Posted by Samara Collins on Friday, October 29, 2010, In : Blog

I just wanted to say how wonderful it is to be receving so many emails from other parents / parents to be who have been finding my sites useful. I find it really encouraging to know that the sites are helpful to others as well as to myself. Its always a risk being so open about such personal things but I find it very cathartic and I also wanted to put my experiences out there as I know I find it so helpful reading other peoples' blogs as it makes me feel less alone in my feelings.

I have had...
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27/10/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, October 27, 2010, In : Blog

Feeling OK today in general. I got up fairly early and went for a swim, which is really soothing. I tried to pluck up the courage to ask for my gym induction so that I can attend classes and use the gym, but I couldn't do it. I'll definitely do it next time I'm there.

Its a short blog today as not much to report and I have to go and make a rissotto for Drew. Heaven help him,
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26/10/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Tuesday, October 26, 2010, In : Blog

I had a good appointment with my midwife today. My health visitor had already spoken to the team of midwives about my anxiety and she completely understood and is arranging for a scan this week or next week. There is no reason to believe anything is wrong and rationally, I know that as little man is kicking away lots and I am growing big and feeling well, plus the last few scans have looked good. However, it is so very scary being pregnant again and any reassurances I can get, I will take....
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25/10/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, October 25, 2010, In : Blog

These recent days have been tough. Drew and I try so hard and we go out and we can laugh and smile for a while and then we feel exhausted. Sometimes it can really take it out of us for a couple of days. We are being genuine when we go out and have a nice time but because it is so far from how we are feeling in out grief, I think it just takes a huge effort and lots of energy.

I have decided to hibernate a little. I was worried if that was the right thing to do as I have avoided that until ...
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18/10/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Monday, October 18, 2010, In : Blog

Well I'd be crazy to think the bad days wouldn't keep coming... I feel very low today. Some days getting out of bed can be a struggle and today was one of those days. The mundanity of simple tasks can feel so trivial and unimportant. I started to clean the bathroom this morning and then thought - what's the point? Very unlike me!

I know that I will snap out of it, and having a cold and headache isn't helping, so I think I'll write today off and stay home, watch telly and drink tea.

I sometim...
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17/10/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Sunday, October 17, 2010, In : Blog

Went to Loch Fyne last night. Just Drew and me for dinner. We actually had a really nice evening. I think it helped that we kept it short and only stayed out for a couple of hours. We felt quite brave and pleased with ourselves for doing it. Its funny because, I thought it would be impossible to have good times and a good laugh ever again, but it isn't. We do still have fun and we know that its important. It doesn't stop us missing Sadie, but I know she wouldn't want us miserable - she...
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16/10/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Saturday, October 16, 2010, In : Blog

I am feeling utterly exhausted at the moment! I seem to have had a pretty busy week last week. It was great to see so many of my friends and have really had a nice week.

Socialising appears to be very tiring at the moment. It feels like we can get on and do some things and be OK and yet there are things that feel just too much, depending on how we are feeling and what the circumstances are. I hope and deep down, I know that one day everything will become easier and we will be able to opera...
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13/10/10

Posted by Samara Collins on Wednesday, October 13, 2010, In : Blog

So far today has been a good day... I went with my Dad to put Sadie's cross on her grave. This is a temporary arrangement to mark her grave whilst we wait for her headstone to be made and carved. It felt good to mark her grave properly. I know lots of family and friends visit Sadie's grave and I find that very comforting. She was a popular girl and known of widely, so I guess its not surprising.

I have been thinking a lot about my visit to Francis House yesterday. There are so many staff ...
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12/10/10 Visit to Francis House

Posted by Samara Collins on Tuesday, October 12, 2010, In : Blog

Well I was nervous about today as it was my first trip back to Francis House since Sadie's funeral. I was worried I wouldfeel very emotional about being there as it is such a special place for us as it is where Sadie died. We also have a ot of very lovely memories of stays at Francis House.

I have been feeling quite emotional recently. I think that its the depression stage of the grief cycle, although bereavement counsellors say that it isn't a linear cycle. However, people who know me wil...
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10/10/2010

Posted by Samara Collins on Sunday, October 10, 2010, In : Blog

Its so hard to believe a month ago today we lost our precious Sadie. Although I have a website all about Sadie (http://sadiecollins.yolasite.com/) I wanted to keep that purely about Sadie. As I go through the process of grieving for Sadie, I really want touse this site as an outlet to talk about my experiences. I find writing cathartic for one thing but also perhaps other parents and families may find this helpful - who knows?

I have written 2 articles for SOFT (Support Organisation for Fam...
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