I think I have mentioned before that a little while back, around the second anniversary of Sadie's death, I finally discussed my low mood and depression with my GP, as this has grown progressively worse.  I have treatment now and my GP advised me that I would likely need medication for at least a year.

I often find that I can go for weeks without feeling too low but now and then I am knocked for six and it can be overwhelming.  Often these bouts send me into cycles I have come to notice - I feel low, wallow then rally and throw all my energy into appearing happy and confident and then I over compensate and find I am behaving in a somewhat polar way - it's as if I am being pulled up by helium balloons - higher than I want to be and people just think I am being a bit loud or silly but I am actually finding that the mask for my grief has become a little out of my control - I am over-compensating.  Mix this with alcohol and a group of people, and we have a recipe for disaster.  Firstly - if I am in a group of people where I feel out of depth  (these days anyway) - often where there are people I don't know so well or around lots of parents and / or children then I either withdraw or I over egg things and sound a bit hyper and probably don't make much sense either. I am easily distracted and my concentration goes.  If I add alcohol (which lets face it, I love a drink and if I am feeling anxious or the need to relax then I can't resist) this is when things go wrong - I find I go again in a mini cycle where I am over compensating, then feeling guilty and low about my inability, so I drink more and over compensate more.  Again I will feel low as I realise I am behaving oddly and this makes me sad as I know it is not what I intend and I feel I am letting myself and Sadie's memory down, so I often find something makes me wobble and that is often where I lose control and I have huge chunks of memory loss over these episodes.  I imagine I share deepest thoughts and then again over-compensate with silliness as I progress the evening. I wake up often feeling deep fear and dread and this will be a dark cloud over the next week or so as I feel I have let myself down and placed more misunderstanding around my circumstances and how people perceive I am coping.  I find myself lower than ever that I can't just socialise properly.  I feel homesick for normality and frustrated that I am creating this situation.

So what is the answer?  Well I know I should not be drinking with antidepressants any way.  I don't that often in any event, but I know the answer is to steer clear.  But then should I also steer clear of groups I don't know too well or tricky situations in case I feel I can't be as sociable as I ought?  I just don't know.  I know that this grief is hard.  It is harder now sometimes than ever before.  Nothing changes and I just feel so sad that my daughter is gone forever and I miss her.

Today I saw my GP again and he couldn't really help.  Just more medication.  I do my level best to drag myself out of this and I run, walk, have fun with family - try everything I can to lift myself but I just want to hibernate.

Pat experienced my tears for the first time today and I felt so guilty.  We had been advised to not hold back in front of him, but naturally we do. Today the tears were falling and Pat was so confused.  I took the advice on board to tell him all was well and that I just felt sad and I gave him a big cuddle and we went outside and played aeroplanes afterwards but I know it distressed him.  We have so much more to handle as he grows and as he makes new friends who will ask the inevitable and we have decisions to make and responses to practice, so I need to get my ass into gear and be strong for Pat. 

A friend says that it is like Sadie is a living child in that I have to figure out how to divide my attention and it is so true - it's very complex. Love and parental feelings don't diminish when your child dies, so I have to integrate these feeling along with the loss and sadness into our lives each day.  We do this as a family and it gets really confusing and messy at times.  We have to figure it out.  I am glad I have the support of so many friends through Trisomy and child loss and can share on-line and through blogs. 

Phew - just needed to share those thoughts really - I almost need a disclaimer - this woman may seem normal and a bit hyper and silly but really she is just a very very sad mummy who is in a real muddle about how to handle it all.  what a pickle.  I should say I am not making excuses for myself.  I am responsible for my own behaviour - I just need to understand it and correct it.