Well it's now approaching the second anniversary of Sadie's death. Last year the weeks preceding this date were gruelling as I relived everything that Sadie went through in her last weeks.  This year I feel more at peace. Not that I will ever be at peace with what happened to Sadie, but I have finally dealt with a lot of the trauma that accompanied our precious daughter's short life.  I have learnt, with help of a fabulous counsellor, that my grief is accompanied by trauma and I realised that I needed to face the trauma and talk about it and acknowledge that even though this is negative,it isn't a reflection of negativity towards Sadie's life.  I hope that makes sense!  This has been a huge help.

I also learnt over the course of this year, as I progressed to living a full life again, that the grief hits in many ways and ca become overwhelming - often the smallest of issues can be so upsetting and I have learnt to take those feelings away and recognise them, examine them and then move on more.  One thing above all has shone out to me as I face the realities of losing Sadie and the changes that have come about in our lives - I am a very real person.  I dislike disguising the truth or hiding facts.  There is a time and a place, but the need to be genuine and particularly in talking about Sadie, is so important to me.  The things I hold dearest to me is her memory and it means more to me that I can ever say.  I know Drew feels the same. We shared Sadie with our friends, family and the world really, because we love her and are so extremely proud of her.  I have been desperately anxious that her memory must not die too.

Inevitably, some people on the peripheral edge of our lives do momentarily forget we had Sadie and that can hurt.  Needless to say that embarrassment obviously follows as we would always correct people.  I sometimes wish there was a way of showing that Sadie is always in my heart and on my mind and hearing her name is wonderful to me.

It's been a tough year as I learnt to wobble my way through getting back on track.  Its been a really great year too and we are blessed.  I have had ups and downs emotionally as I attempted to accept Sadie's death and would keep taking two steps forward and a step or two backwards.  I don't honestly know where I am up to right now.  All I know is that I have peace in my heart most days, I hold on tight to my faith and Sadie's memory and I miss her like crazy.  She is always here in our hearts and very much a part of our family. Always.

During this year I have tried to remain outwardly composed and to reflect the joy we also feel. I would never wish to dishonour Sadie's memory either.  However, I have dipped occassionally and I am grateful to those close to us who have offered support and forgiven my emotional judgement.  We are so grateful for the way so many people still love Sadie, remember her and support us. 

Recently, Drew's Nanna passed away. Sadie and Pat's Great Grandmother. Naturally the family was and is very sad and I very much feel for my father and mother in law as I know they are hurting with grief.  The funeral was the first since Sadie's for Drew and me and we faced it with additional dread for that reason.  I did not want my grief for Sadie to take away from me paying my respects to Drew's Nanna, Lilian and so I jogged to Sadie's grave the morning of the funeral to try to deal with some of my feelings.  Lilian's funeral was of course for Lilian and to remember her and I did not want my grief over Sadie and the memories of her funeral to pull me away from supporting Drew. I'm sorry to say though that the memories of Sadie's funeral and death did overwhelm me and I was upset to realise that I was struggling to be the support to Drew that he needed. 

Life is very full.  Pat is full of energy and is amazingly sunny.  I work 4 days a week and mainly I really enjoy that.  I go out with friends, take holidays away and share a fabulous marriage with Drew.  I have started to run and this gives me a new level of peace as I feel close to Sadie when I run.

I know the anniversary on10/9 will be hard and Drew and I have taken time off work in readiness for that.  We will take a trip to anglesey with Pat too.