Well, we survived the Christmas period and Sadie's first Birthday and I can honestly say I am so glad that its January and there are no majorly difficult dates on the horizon for now.

Christmas was harder that I could have imagined.  The build up of festivities was hard because we just felt so polar opposite to that.  We didn't decorate our house this year.  I normally love doing that and I will again next year.  It just felt wrong.  We're missing Sadie so much and we had so much looked forward to this Christmas with our daughter.  To say shhe was missed was a huge understatement.  We visited Sadie's grave on Christmas eve and that was just so painful as it just shouldn't be that way.  I won't go into it, but it hurts a lot.  We allowed ourselves to feel the huge grief that welled up on Christmas Eve.  We stayed home pretty much and just felt the sadness that could not be avoided.  I have been hibernating and avoiding people for weeks now as my grief really hit hard lately, but Drew has had to be so strong.  He amazes me, because he doesn't pretend or hide from it, but he has the ability to carry on with everything whilst being in the most horrible pain. He is also incredibly supportive to me too.  I am a very lucky woman.  I won't embarass Drew further though!  Needless to say, he is feeling all the feelings that I am feeling.

We spent Christmas with some of the family and we kept pretty busy Christmas day so we actually had a nice day.  Our families have become very close over recent months and we are glad we have so much love and support.  This is a hugely difficult and painful time for them too but we always look after each other. It is amazing how much that helps. 

Sadie's Birthday was 30th December. We visited her grave and then went to a beach and wrote messages to her in the sand.  It hurt like hell.  To remember this beautiful baby, who brought us so much joy, arriving in the world.  Sadie was born at 10am by Cesarean (as she was breech).  She was struggling to breathe and she weighed only 4lb 8.  I was scared when I saw her because I knew that was very small.  By 2pm she had been taken to the NNU as she was very cold and needed an incubator.  This was heartbreaking as I could barely move and missed her badly.  We were well looked after (major understatement) by the NNU team. I remember lying in bed that night crying because I wanted my baby and one of the team brought me a picture of Sadie.  I just hung onto that photo.  I remember waking up on NYE and being so excited to be a mummy and I was able to get on my feet and be with Sadie, fussing around her as only mummies do.  I felt the happiest I have ever felt as I chated to the other new mums on the ward and Drew arrived with champagne etc.  Then at around 10am on NYE, we noticed they pulled screens around us as we sat cuddling Sadie in the NNU.  A paedeatrician quietly sat and explained what he suspected and why.  He told us that our little girl would die.  There was nothing anyone could do.  There was no hope at all and we were unlikely to have her for 2 weeks.  Well I have blogged about this before and so I won't continue but needless to say NYE was the worst day ever for us.  I thought our world really was destroyed.

This NYE was painful, but we made a celebratory meal for the 2 of us and sat and reminisced about the many wonderful things we have enjoyed in 2010 and the wonderful things we are looking forward to in 2011.  We feel very lucky to have had Sadie and she brought wonderful gifts and memories with her.  She changed the way we see the world forever.  We love her so much.

We decided to be braver this month.  We ventured to the pub on NY day with friends.  It is hard because I feel like I can't concentrate very easily and I get very nervous.  I have to focus on swallowing the grief down deep and I find it hard to make small talk as I have little to say and am just out of practice.  I used to be a confident woman and now I am a quivering wreck! Everyone is so lovely and helps us through.  I know in timee it'll get easier.  I saw friends yesterday too and we also went out last night with Drew's sister and her boyfriend. We had a good night and it felt good to be out. 

This month I am attending antenatal class. I need to be brave and I figured thats a good start as I need to be able to meet other new mums and make friends for me and for our baby especially.  I am very scared.  I don't want to be the weird scary woman who lost her baby.  I am just like all those other mums.  I hope I come across OK and that they still want to know me when they hear we lost Sadie.  I am there for our little boy so I won't dwell on what has happened, but I know Sadie will come up and I hope that I handle it well.