Well its been a while since I last posted and generally that is a good sign because life is moving fast and I'm just getting on with it an managing the grief.

As I write this, I am in bed because Drew, Pat and I were involved in a car accident last Saturday on the M1, whena car hit us in the outside lane.  I am so relieved that Pat and Drew are unhurt, but I was actually leaning round to check on Pat in the back seat at the time and soI was thrown about and sustained head injuries, internal bruising and liver damage to name a few so I'm a bit beaten up!  I was allowed home from hospital yesterday and am just resting at home now. Not so easy for a constant fidgeter!  I'm normally pretty active and of course, Pat wants to play and is quite demanding now at 15 months old - full of beans and fun!  My family have been helping so that I can rest and Pat is at nursery today so the house is completely still.

The accident shook us all up but we are so thankful to all be fine.  Its been an emotional week and I must say that being in hospital in particular led me to feel quite sad and tearful and as always - I missed Sadie.  

In terms of grief, things are getting a little easier.  As I always say, we've learnt that you manage the grief but it never goes.  I have no idea if that is tue for any loss, but certainly with the loss of a child.  I had found that I'd been ignoring my grief and I did see my GP who looked at some of my physical symptoms - psoriasis, aches and pains, memory loss, IBS etc and she said it was classic depression.  This really upset me at the time as I work really hard to stay in good spirits and we really enjoy life.  However, as my doctor explained, depression was not something I could have avoided and I just need treatment.  In some ways this came as a relief as I had started to find that I was struggling to cope with the sadness and Sadie was my every waking thought and most of the time I felt I was battling emotion. However, I know understand that whilst there will always be sadness and I will always think of Sadie, the emotions shouldn't overwhelm me so much and now that the depressionis being treated, everything feels much easier and I can handle the grief -its manageable again right now.  Phew!

Pat is doing great - he is enjoying everything and Drew and I just adore him.  He laughs and entertains us constantly and I thank God we werebrave enough and blessed to have him.  He's utterly gorgeous.  I feel a very lucky woman and I count my blessings every day.  

Right now we are looking forward to our first summer holiday overseas in many years and we are bouncing with excitement.  I just know Pat will love the sand and sea and Drew and I are looking forward towarm sun and a relaxing week with our son.

Life feels full and I feel that my confidence is restored to a good level most days now.I feel capable and I actually feel very alive again.  This is major progress and I am really thrilled to feel better than I have in almost 20 months.  I feel optimistic about our future.  Our needs are simple these days and we just enjoy our family life.  

Many people told me that this grief would make us bitter or better.  Whilst I have never once felt bitter, I always wondered how I could ever come through this as a stronger woman, but I am starting to see new sides to myself and whilst most people may not see it, I know that I am kinder and more compassionate and I enjoy talking to people and getting to know them better - I think I listen more.  I have completely different values and I have a more positive outlook.  I also have my faith - and that is what really keeps me going.  It's not optional tome - it's a must and so I am glad that my faith has not deserted me,  but instead has become strong.

There is, as always, so much more I could write, but man, am I tired and sore.  So I am going to give in and sleep now.