Well its been one of the toughest weeks grief wise in a long time so I have hibernated lots because it just feels hard being out.  I went to Francis House on Monday and that was really nice.  Sadie died at Francis House so its filled with hard memories but she also spent happy times there.  When I first heard about the children's hospice I thought it would be a place where children went and got more ill and died - never leaving again.  That's completely wrong.  It is a place where children attend for support and treatment help, for respite and yes, for end of life care.  Its a happy place and it feels like a big house with lots of toys and lots and lots of love.  All the children staying at any one time have their own rooms, but space is limited and being a charity, they have to be clever with their resources.  We always felt loved and cared for and still do.  You become part of a big family and I love going there even though it hurts.

There is a chapel in Francis House and its a lovely, calm place to sit.  There is a beautiful memory book where families can place memory pages for their lost children.  It is amazing to see the beautiful tributes in there.  I finally added a small tribute to Sadie and will update and add to this in time.  It needs to be much better than what I have done s far but it felt good to have her page there before the anniversary on Saturday.

I have seen a couple of friends and family too this week, which has been lovely.  Some times I have to cancel arrangements still, just when I feel too heavy- hearted - I do't like to be upset like that in front of anyone at all.  Its been lovely to see and hear from friends and to have messages too telling us how people are thinking of Sadie.  I am so proud of her and we are glad and grateful to hear that she is remembered.

I'll continue to hibernate a bit this week as there's no point going out and then bursting into tears when, as inevitably happens, someone gets chatting and asks me about my children etc.... lovely but just too emotional right now.  Drew is off on Friday so we'll go for a walk maybe up in the peak district and we are really looking forward to that. 

Next week I am hoping that having dealt with so much grief, we'll feel a bit or even a lot better and I hope to get back to normality as much as I had started to - getting back to various activities with Pat and also seeing friends again.  I've put that on hold quite a bit this past few weeks. I know the grief will always be there and its not just going to magically feel fine again.  I know thats not possible and that is fine by me, but I do like to enjoy our lives - life is precious and wonderful

Well, I am off...  The health visitor is coming later and Pat will be weighed - I reckon he's going to break the scales!  He loves his food bless him.  I'm hoping to get to a friend's for coffee too, which will be nice.