I start a new job tomorrow morning.  Back into my HR career, so I need to be 100% on form and ready!  I am very nervous and also excited about returning to what I know best (work-wise). I just hope it all comes back to me and that my confidence remains intact.  Building new relationships has been very tough since losing Sadie for obvious reasons and this last year working at the recruitment consultancy I have built my confidence back up and pushed my limits further.  I feel ready.  My memory has been very poor as is common with grief of this nature, but I feel things are improved and I can tackle it better now.  I hope so much that everyone is nice and that I make good first impressions.  I really need to make this good strong leap back into my career as Drew and I are joint bread-winners and we've been relying heavily on savings whilst I was off work and building back up.

I am going to miss Pat so much. Pat and I are very close and I love our Mondays together where we generally have care-free days doing whatever we choose and taking time to play and read and cuddle.  I will still have quality time with him but working full time with a drive into the city of over an hour in rush hour traffic, I know time will be of a premium!  I have sat and cuddled him and just gazed at him so much recently.  Its as if I am saying goodbye just like when Sadie was dying - which is crazy, but it's what I have found myself doing.  I think Drew and I have experienced such high levels of stress and pain when Sadie was diagnosed and when she was suffering and then again of course when she died - life was just one big agony at the same time as all that joy and so when something stressful or sad comes along now it either triggers some of the feelings we had when we were in the depths of despair or we find it a breeze.  It can knock us for six as it brings back all the painful feelings and the fears for the future amidst trying to cope and do our best and trying to enjoy Sadie's short life. It's very bizarre and this probably sounds really odd but its the only way I can describe it.  I think once I am settled into the new routine and into the job and once I know a few people (plus getting past the inevitable children conversations) I will be just fine.  We're doing fine generally.

Pat will love his extra day at nursery as he is very happy there and has lots of friends.  He is so amazing and I just know he'll be fine.  We had our week together last week doing all sorts of fun things and then on Friday Drew and I had a day to ourselves - such a great day where we went to the Christmas markets and had lunch out and then a nice walk.  At the Christmas market it was great to realise that we are really enjoying Christmas.  As Christ's birthday it is a special time to us anyway but it was painful these past 2 years.  This year will have its hard parts I know and it's the run up to Sadie's Birthday but we are enjoying it all the more - feel like things are in vivid colour again most days instead of black and white and grey.  Whilst we were there we saw some young people from Francis House (we think) - children and teenagers with disabilities and accompanied by carers.  They reminded us of Sadie as they went about enjoying the Christmas market.  It was lovely and as we turned to move on I saw a card with Sadie written in big pink writing and flowers.  I was beautiful and the first time I have ever seen her name like that as it is an unusual name these days.  It brought tears of joy to my eyes to feel that her memory is always there.  I think of Sadie a lot and I was even lucky enough to dream about her last night.  A gorgeous peaceful dream where I was holding her in my arms as she gazed at me with those beautiful blue eyes and I told her I loved her over and over and carried her down a beautiful lane in warm sunshine.  It was heavenly.  It was the best feeling ever.  Holding my daughter again and being able to see her and tell her how I love her and kiss her face. I found myself weeping away this morning just remembering the dream.  It was comforting yet I feel sad as I know those dreams are rare and precious.

Well I must go.  I have to get ready for tomorrow and crack on with making a lovely Sunday dinner.