Well today I can honestly say I hit the bottom again.  I can't bear to see anyone and just cannot get myself together properly.  But, the good thing about hitting rock bottom is that you always come back up again, so thats a definite positive.  I just feel very tired of struggling each day to be ok - I probably just needed to let myself be honest. I won'tlet myself stay at this level but today I am wallowing in it.  Its hard for Drew.  He is so good with me and probably the only person I ever really share my true grief with.  How on earth he still manages to deal with my pain on top of his is amazing.Drew says he has moved on to the nextphase.  He has accpeted Sadie's death whereas I know that I am not ready.  Apparently acceptance is where you're heart believes someone is dead - not just your head.  Its normal that fathers move through their grief differently to mums.  Its fine. We both handle it differently.

Well tomorrow is looming and for me it is still not a celebration. I am assured that in time it will be something to celebrate, but until I can handle the fact that she is gone, that will be too hard to do.  I miss her so much, but its more than that.  I feel despair and a desperate need to look after her and hold her.  I just don't know how to manage that yet, but I am hopeful that in time I won't just be putting a brave face on but in fact I will be doing fine.

Next step after wallowing will be to find my feet again and find the things that inspireme.  Find some hope.  For the first time since she was born my faith has been rocked and that isn't helping.  My faith in God has pulled me through so far and kept me strong, but somewhere along the way I have lost my faith and I desperately want it back. I will need to get working on that as it is the thing that I hold on to each day to get me through.

Well I have a plan of action at least. 

Pat has had a lovely Christmas and he never really sees our pain if we can help it at all.  He truly is a rainbow baby - he brings colour and light and happiness through the dark clouds. 

Those who read this may wonder why I am being so frank about my feelings.  Its not altogether dignified I know, but  want to be honest because any other parents reading this going through the same, will value the truth in the same way I value the truth from others.  It helps to share in some way and I feel less isolated and alone in this.  Death is such a taboo subject, let alone the death of a child, but I hope those barriers will reduce in time as it does help to have people listen and understand - we all need understanding. It brings some comfort.