The Christmas festivities, Sadie's 2nd Birthday and a new year all combine to feel very hard really.  It feels like I am constantly reliving what happened and still desperately wishing that there was a way I could hold Sadie for just another minute.  The ache I feel all the time, feels very heavy now and one of the hardest parts is realising this will never go -she is never coming back to us and I often wonder how I will adjust and learn to live with this, but I know that I'll find it manageble again in time. 

I sat and looked through Sadie's memory box today. I have all sorts of things including one of her green dummies and her cuddly mouse and also a lock of her hair.  We also have all of Sadie's clothes.  I can't imagine ever parting with these. Even my maternity clothes which I wore when pregnant with Sadie and Pat feel so special.  I know none of these things will bring her back but they make her real to me again.

It shocks me how raw this all feels still. Time marches on but it still feels like yesterday, but at the same time I miss her more every day. 

I torture myself with what if.... what if she'd been healthy? what if she'd survived even longer?  What would life be like now?  I see other little girls of Sadie's age and sometimes they're with younger brothers of Pat's age and I think how lovely that would have been. Absolutely perfect.  But I am glad we had her for the short time we did and I will love her just the same as if she were alive, for the rest of my life.

I imagine I am hard company at the moment and although I never let on how I feel really, I probably seem irritable and zombie-like.  Sorry folks!  :)