Gradually each day has become much easier.  It feels as if the grief is still there and I am sure it always will be.  Sadie is still at the forefront of our minds of course but the sadness isn't always so acute or so raw.  We have built our world back up to a point where we are frequently busy and enjoying life for what it is right now. 

There are times that are still hard butthese are more manageable.  Pat is poorly with Bronchitis at the moment and it has me gripped with fear because I know how easily life can slip away and I am terrified of losing him.  Pat is 8 months old now.  In in 8 days he'll be the exact same age Sadie was when she died.  This feels strange and a bit painful.  It makes me fear losing him more right now.  I'm still often worried that more tragedy is around the corner but you can't operate like that so usually I don't let that thought into my head too much but sometimes it creeps up.

I ahve started to look for work.  I had a couple of good interview but have been unsuccessful so far.  I am just glad I had the confidence to go as a month or so ago I didn't even feel able to go to the local shop.  I have decided to set up my own business offering HR advice and support as a consultant.  I am anxious that the market isn't there for it or that I won't have the confidenceI need, but then I try to remember I can do this and I need to get on out there again, so I'll see how I go on.  I do feel excited and am hopeful that I can pull this off.

I am going on a course this weekend run by SOFT.  Because I am a 'befriender' of bereaved parents or parents who have a diagnosis of Trisomy, I have been offered this place in order to give me the skills I need to be able to give the best support.  I am glad that i often hear from other parents and I care deeply about the families who have to face life wihtout their child or who are facing having a baby with a terminal condition.  I am glad to help and support them in any way I can because I was supported and it meant so much to me.  The words of others who'd been in my position gave me hope that I could survive this and helped me to feel understood.  I hope that I can provide that feeling for others.  I am also glad to be able to talk about Sadie and the medical, practical and emotional elements of life with a child with Edwards Syndrome.  Sharing this experience is always helpful as I remember identifying with the stories I heard or read and it made me much better prepared and able to recognise Sadie's day to day problems and I was more able to put practical solutions in place where possible and get the help she needed.

The dark cloud that hung over us for the year since Sadie died has definitely drawn back and I feel like I fully participate in life now.  I am much more switched on and engaged and this makes me hopeful for the future.  Pat is an absolute delight and having him was the best thing we could have done.  He lights our days up.