Time and again I ask myself how to handle the questionof how many children I have and I often find myself avoiding that conversation topic - trying to divert someone I have just met from talking kids.  This is not great when I am trying to build relationships as part of my job, but what potenial client wants to hear me say that I have 2 children, Sadie and Pat, but sadly Sadie died 18 months ago??? Naturally I like to help them out by saying something positive or moving the conversation forward for them but generally it makes people feel uncomfortable. Not a great way to start a conversation and getting to know someone session!  If I divert them from talking kids - often I am appearing cold and focussing on business-talk.  My other option is to deny Sadie - say I haveone child.  That feels so very painful.  I know many parents choose to take this option until they know someone better, but then how do you explain it later down the line. The immediate problem for me with that approach is that it hurts. On top of the general sadness and loss I feel every day.  I love talking about Sadie - I am proud of her and Iove her so much.  I am delighted to be able to say what a wonderful little girl she was and how proud we are of her - it is an honour to be her mummy.  Not something I feel I should hide away like a dreadful secret because society struggles to handle discussing a child who is dead.  I completely understand the way it makes people feel.  I myself would probably have felt the same.  Its not that I want to discuss that she died so much as I always want to aknowledged that she lived.  My gorgeous girl who I enjoyed carrying for 9 months and who brought so much love and laughter into our house throughout her life.  My precious baby who so many people came to meet and so many strangers to us, chose to get in touch with me about her and pray for her and for us.  She brought so much into our lives and still does,  She is alive in our hearts and in our conversations as ever within my family. And one day I hold on with all my might to the belief and hope that we'll be reunited again.  She willalways be my daughter.  So for me, I find this a huge issue that keeps me awake many nights.  Along with Pat!!

Well I know this is a question that so many parents face.  We all have to handle it inour own way and I don't think there is a simple solution that makes it easier.  In all the books written about bereaved parents, its the huge question that noone can answer.  Its not about wanting to discuss the fact that our child has died - more not deny the fact that they lived. Big connundrum.  Answers on a post card please! :)

Pat has been pretty poorly recently - nursery bugs in the form of coughs and viruses.  He seems to be getting better now and has been having a whale of a time!  He'is turning into a real toddler now. Still not quite walking and not a tooth in sight at the age of 13 months but he is a real character and full of happiness.  He loves coming across pictures of Sadie and often points and smiles.  He even turned a picture in a frame over trying to figure out why she was 2D.  I think in time he will enjoy hearing snippets about Sadie and what a lovely sister he has in Heaven.

I am very excited to be looking at publishing Sadie's Star.  I really need to get cracking and have been lucky to receive support and advice from friends.  I will look into it further as I would love to use her story to raise funds for SOFT and to help bereaved children.

Well  must go.  Its dreaded jab day for Padders and I need to get ready.