We continue to find flash backs to last year.  I am amazed at the things that happened and I wonder now how we managed to stay awake night after night looking after Sadie and also how we went on to bring home morphine and administer that regularly to our perfect baby along with other strong drugs like midazolam.  I admire parents who have to do such things for a length of time.  I know that although it is wonderful to have your child, regardless of the challenges they face, it is hard to adjust as a parent, but its what you do without second thought because you love your child and want the best for them and you will do anything to give them the best quality of life.

It makes me so sad to think of what Sadie went through.  She had a happy life and smiled so much of the time.  She was always quick to smile and make her beautiful gurgling baby babble.  So many times she would fix you with her big blue eyes and gaze at you.  It felt wonderful.  But she went through a lot.  And this weekend Drew and I will remember what a tough weekend she had the Saturday before she died.  I struggle with that memory as I recall us trying desperately to help her (we were in Francis House at the time) and noone really knew the cause of her pain, so all we could do was give her strong pain relief.

As I walked to the church with Pat this week to visit Sadie's grave, I remembered how I used to take Sadie there too in her pram.  It sounds morbid, but I knew she was dying in those last few weeks and I would take her to the church in Mobberley to pray that we could help her to be comfortable and for her to be at peace.  I just did not want her to suffer.  I always knew that Sadie would be buried there because it was a special place for us.  A place we'd visit and pray together.  It probably does sound very strange. 

I still just cannot believe Sadie is gone.  Forever.  How can that bright, vibrant little girl be gone?  I have to believe we will be reunited one day and I have to believe she is at the next spiritual plane or in Heaven... whatever it may be. 

I hope to blog again nearer the anniversary.  There is so much I want to say about Sadie and her life and about life without her.  Lots of very positive things but I can't see very clearly through the grief right now.  Its like we have sunk into it again so what I am writing proabably sounds a bit more raw although I am trying not to go into too much detail or depth as it is also deeply personal.  I guess I just wonder if this site helps some people to feel less alone if one day someone else is feeling the same feelings or seeing their friend or loved one grieving and perhaps it spreads a little understanding.    I myself am lucky to have so many people willing to understand.  We have so many messages and outpourings of love and support.  I know Sadie is well remembered and we are well supported.