Finally a moment to write....

So the second trip to FH was arranged so that I could talk to someone in the bereavement team. Thats a huge help as it enabled me to talk about the grief as it is so unrelenting and it really helpsto talk to someone who can help me understand this better.  Whilst I was there I learnt that a little girl called Laura who had been staying at Francis House for end of life care whilst we were there had now died. Mostly children stay at FH for a day or so of respite and then some can be there when they clearly need end of life help which the hospitals will not provide.  Laura was extremely ill for several weeks and we spent time there with her family as Sadie rapidly deteriorated.  So it was a strange bond our families had.  Happily, Laua gained enough stength to go home, but sadly she died a few weeks ago.  I am so very sad to hear this and am thinking of her parents a lot.  Hearing this news really unlocked a lot of the tears I had kept inside and it hit me again that losing Sadie is just so awful and I have still not come to terms with that. I can't bear to think that she'll never return to us. My head knows it and I can talk in a detached way about that but my heart refuses to handle that fact and you'll find that when I talk about Sadie,I rarely talk fully from the heart because it hurts too much - but I do love talking about her.  I miss talking about her.  Sometimes I wish there were ways of talking about her more easily without upsetting people and making them feel uncomfortable.  ITs like its too shocking and sad so I get the strong awarness that it bothers some people when I mention her - not everyone, but some.  I guess some things are just too hard but it makes me sad - its just another layer to the difficult things that surroud losing your child. 

I know I would have felt the same way to be honest - before having an losing Sadie I was a different person.  Not a bad person but less thoughtful.  Sadie made me far more caring and compassionate and I like that about myself now.  My values are altered forever and that is for the better.  I also have far more friends and my relationships are stronger in general.  Sadie brought may wonderful gifts and these are just some of them that I recognise each day.

Pat turns one next week.  One year ago was so anxiety-ridden for us and yet here we are where we never dared believe!  I still can't believe Pat is alive and well and here to stay. It amazes me and he is just an amazing light in our world.  As we approach this milestone, it hurts too - just like all the milestones.  With the happiness comes the dreadful added sadness.  I miss Sadie so much it is impossible to explain but around these events it becomes unbearable almost, yet at the same time we are happy and enjoying the time with Pat.  Its very very hard to explain it.  Its these dates that remind me that my littke girl should be here now running around and playing with her brother.  She should be a cheeky little 2 year old with her life ahead of her.  I will never stop feeling sad that I lost my little girl and will never see her run and laugh and make friends or grow into a young woman.  I will never get to watch girly films with her, go shopping, share her hopes and fears, laugh with her, comfort her, weep and dance on her wedding day, hold her children..... the list goes on and on and it is agony.  But one day, we will be reunited in a beautiful place and when I say goodbye to this world one day in many many years, I will be ready to rejoice and dance with my beautful daughter. 

Its a bumpy ride this grief.  Learning to live with it is the hardest thing I willever do.  I am learning so much.  Pouring my heart out like this may seem a little undignified, but to me I feel llike it helps to share a little of the truth behind something which frightens so many and isolates the few of us who have lost a child.  Perhaps a little understanding can help.  I know there are many things I dont know about life and I am much more open these days to learning from and understanding others and that can't be a bad thing can it?

Well I'll go now as I'm being way too philosophical and really I need to dry my eyes and do something to cheer myself up again.

Thanks for reading and listening.