Well its been a while since my last post as I have been so busy.  This site-builder doesn't allow me to paste text, so I have to quickly type my blog and save it there and then, which isn't ideal.

So much has happened these past few weeks.  The grief has been very hard and I am realising that as I have been told, we have to learn to live with the grief rather than expect it to fade.  It takes a bit of managing!  Some days, without warning, I plummet to depths of sadness, disbelief and despair as missing Sadie is so hard.  Nothing makes that easier.  It makes life hard to plan, but we will learn in time. There are so many elements to grieving which I could never have realised and that is very hard to explain, so I won't try now as Pat is stirring from his nap!

Despite the intense grief, we are getting on and we are certainly trying to get life back on track and make a future for ourselves.  Friends and family are very understanding and that helps as I know I am still often letting people down, forgetting things and also not the best company at times!  I get glimpses of my old self, but mainly I feel like a shadow of who I was still.  I know that will get better though in time.

Sadie has been gone for 8 months tomorrow.  On 22nd May she'll have been dead longer than she was alive.  That hurts.  It feels like she is slipping away - which makes little sense, I know.  Sometimes I don't know how to live without her, but they are fleeting moments because life is also wonderful here too.

Pat is great.  He brings so much joy to our lives.  He is so similar yet also very different to Sadie. Its great but also painful sometimes as memories come flooding back.

I have been setting myself small targets like going to the shop or picking up one item in Booths (I still have panic attacks in there).  I have been achieving most targets and I am getting out more as Pat needs us to have a social life and I guess I do too.  I want to enjoy this as life is so precious.  We go to post-natal group, which is great but also a mine-field.  Normally the chat would be - so do you have any other children.  This question comes up and I answer it but my heart beat so fast and I feel sick, mainly because I am worried I will scare away the mother who asks me.  I don't want them to be afraid to befriend me because of this awful thing I ahve to tell them.  So I steer conversation away from that, which means I am probably overthinking everything and coming across as less sociable because I am scared of upsetting anyone.  Its such an awful thing to say out loud when surrounded by happy new mums and their gorgeous babies.  I want to just be normal, but I can't erase the fact that our daughter died and I cannot deny Sadie at all - that is just unthinkable to me.  I have to get the nack of answering the question about children in a way that says that Sadie was a blessing to us and then move the conversation on to rescue us from the awkwardness and to allow me to still carry on chatting.  I'll get the hang of it soon I guess.

Well there is so much I want to write but I have no time as Pat is awake now and I want to have a cuddle and a play.  I'll have to write another day!  Hope I haven't been too garbled!