Its hard to believe that 8 months has passed since Sadie died.  So much has happened and yet it still feels like yesterday.  Today has hit me hard possibly because I have been doing quite well in recent weeks.  I miss Sadie so much and I feel overwhelmed by how sad I feel trying to accept she has gone.  Sadie was such a happy, bright little girl.  yes, she was had severe disabilities and had her struggles because of this, but she was so brave and she enjoyed the life that she had. She was such a strong presence in our home and she and lots of personality.  As Pat starts to make some of the noises his sister made, its lovely to be reminded of her.

I have had to make a decision to go nowhere today.  I have been trying so hard but I just do to want to leave the house today so we will not be at our post natal group and I have had to postpone a visit with a friend.  I feel so disappointed and cross with myself as I try so hard - I hae been getting out by setting myself challenges and I have been trying to get physically fit.  Sometimes the grief feels physically draining though and I ache all over with it.  I must not allow this to keep happening though.  Pat needs to go to meet other babies and get out of the house and I need that too.  I love being out and enjoying life with Pat.  I think its just early days.

I was explaining to my mum-in-law earlier how sometimes I just forget things.  My head goes empty and I cannot think straight.  It is embarrassing and I feel like I am being ignorant but she made me see tha this is probably an effect of the grief.  I hope so as I hope that my brain returns to normal again!

These posts seem very negative and selfish, so I am sorry for that.  At the moment, when things feel OK, I don't tend to post.  I am often busy doing things.  Drew, Pat and I get out lots and make the most of our lives and the sunshine we have had recently.

Pat is being christened very soon at the church where Sadie was baptised.  I am very excited about it.  I'm a bit nervous as I have only been there twice since Sadie died and both times I found to be very emotional, but I will try to keep a lid on that on Pat's day because it is a day to enjoy thoroughly.  I still canot go into the church where Sadie's funeral was held.  Perhaps that will never happen.  Going to Sadie's grave and seeing her headstone is also painful still.  I go rarely, but I feel OK with that.  It is too hard a place to be right now, so we just ensure within the family that its kept nicely.

Well tomorrow is another day.  Pat and I have friends to visit and then on Thursday I a being interiewed by a journalist who approached me some weeks ago after she found this site.  She was to write a very positive story about Sadie's life, so I am hoping that it can perhaps help others to find the right help and support too.

Also this week I will try to get back out more and set more challenges for myself.  Pat and I love going for walks every day and I know that'll help cheer me up.