Well my last entry was a little dispirited and I felt full of despair as I was struggling.  At times when I feel that low I find I need to explain myself, hibernate and make a plan. Hibernation for me means taking a quieter approach to life for a period without getting too involved in the outside world.  I hide away a little.

I feel I have come out of the other side of that particular dip.  I know dips will continue as is a part of depression and of the grief.  I know that the depression will be cured one day but the grief will remain and its a little confusing, but I remember that depression is an illness and grief is a constant presence following the loss of a child (one we learn to live with).

My slide into depression was likely to have been caused by my choice not to handle the grief as much as I ought to have - it felt to scary and I didn't have time to explore it as it felt (and still feels) like a huge abyss that I fall into now and then and sometimes it's easier to get a foothold back out and other times I fall all the way to the bottom.  Never sure I'll get out again and it is dark and bleak down there.  Facing Sadie's death and the surrounding circumstances is always really hard and heavy and it's impossible to remain dwelling on it constantly.  I'll never be OK about all she went through, the trauma we all experienced and her loss of life, but those feelings are all down there in the ever-present abyss.

Often, when I briefly explain some of the grief, well-meaning and wonderful friends tell me to remember Sadie and all that we have now.  I know their intentions are to make me feel better, but I know then that I cannot discuss my grief further as that very comment is an indicator of misunderstanding and discomfort.  I am not criticising anyone.  I know how hard this subject is and would I know what to say if things were different? No.  I now know that advice and trying to suggest ways to 'cheer up' are really misunderstanding the point.  How we feel about Sadie's life and the joy she brought and also how we feel about Pat and our lovely, happy life now is all completely separate to the grief.  We count our blessings constantly, but the sad stuff is just that - it's awful and it has to be remembered and felt and acknowledged every now and then so that we can continue to cope with it and get back on with our very full and very wonderful lives.

So,things are good right now.  We have full lives, Pat is sunny and growing into an amazing little boy whom we are immensely proud of and utterly in love with.  Drew and I are happy and our marriage is strong and loving and full of fun and good times.  We have lots of energy and feel positive about life.  We make plans and enjoy each day too - we live in the moment more and appreciate what we have.  We are content. We love our lives and everything and everyone it them.

I start a new job next week.  I am very excited to return to my HR career although I am nervous about getting started and sad I'll be full time again. It feels right for our family right now though and it's an investment for our future so we will see how that goes.  I am chuffed that I feel able to get back to my career again as I thought I would never be ready or feel up for it.

I wrote a book called 'Sadie's Star' a couple of years ago.  I wrote it for Pat to help him understand when he is a toddler.  I shared the book on Sadie's website and received lovely feedback from various people.  I have finally moved forward with making a start on getting it published, with help from some fab friends and from SOFT UK (to whom proceeds will be going to).     A lovely lady has agreed to look at illustrations for us - for free!  How great is that?  So she is doing that right now.  Also, an acclaimed author who writes about bereavement and children handling bereavement amongst other subjects has taken an interest in my book and would like to write a 'forward' for it and has also kindly offered to help to market the book.  This is really great and I am so excited.  It will be amazing to see this through!!