December 31, 2011
Happy to report that after a rocky few days, I am starting to pick up again and the grief is more under control. That was a scary dark period, but I needed to go all the way down to come up feeling strong again. Starting to feel human and more like me again.
Posted by Samara Collins. Posted In : Blog
December 29, 2011
Well today I can honestly say I hit the bottom again. I can't bear to see anyone and just cannot get myself together properly. But, the good thing about hitting rock bottom is that you always come back up again, so thats a definite positive. I just feel very tired of struggling each day to be ok - I probably just needed to let myself be honest. I won'tlet myself stay at this level but today I am wallowing in it. Its hard for Drew. He is so good with me and probably the only person I ever...
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Posted by Samara Collins. Posted In : Blog
December 28, 2011
The Christmas festivities, Sadie's 2nd Birthday and a new year all combine to feel very hard really. It feels like I am constantly reliving what happened and still desperately wishing that there was a way I could hold Sadie for just another minute. The ache I feel all the time, feels very heavy now and one of the hardest parts is realising this will never go -she is never coming back to us and I often wonder how I will adjust and learn to live with this, but I know that I'll find it manageb...
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Posted by Samara Collins. Posted In : Blog
December 11, 2011
I've thought a lot about grief over the last few weeks because although its always there and always painful, I have felt the loss and sadness much more acutely in recent weeks than I have for a little while and this took me by surprise. I realised that sometimes we get used to the grief and the shock of Sadie's death ebbs away a little, but at certain times it hits like asledgehammer and repeatedly leave you feeling devastated inside. I think this is often the case against a backdrop of rea...
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Posted by Samara Collins. Posted In : Blog
November 19, 2011
I've been trying to write an acrticle for SOFT's website about life with Sadie and having a rainbow baby but I think it will be hard because I want to write every detail. I could fill a book!
I started work last week - a 2 month assignment which is part time. I am really enjoying it and Pat is loving his time at nursery and his Nana and Grandpa's. It will hopefully enable me to build my confidence back up.
Its strange resuming full normality now and it leave me with less time to grieve and t...
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Posted by Samara Collins. Posted In : Blog
November 7, 2011
Just a quick note to say life feel full and busy again. I the last month or so life has changed drastically and feels like a sort of normality has been restored. My confidence is on the increase and I am enjoying getting out in the world much more. It feels strange but good to be moving forward.
I think attending the bereavement training course was a huge leap and it helped me realise that moving forward doesn't mean leaving Sadie behind. Instead we find ways of keeping her memory alive ...
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Posted by Samara Collins. Posted In : Blog
October 19, 2011
Gradually each day has become much easier. It feels as if the grief is still there and I am sure it always will be. Sadie is still at the forefront of our minds of course but the sadness isn't always so acute or so raw. We have built our world back up to a point where we are frequently busy and enjoying life for what it is right now.
There are times that are still hard butthese are more manageable. Pat is poorly with Bronchitis at the moment and it has me gripped with fear because I know...
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Posted by Samara Collins. Posted In : Blog
September 24, 2011
It feels like calm has been restored these past weeks and the grief has slowly receded after the anniversary and become much more manageable again. Sweet relief! I think about Sadie all the time and miss her badly. We still feel sad she is gone. But it feels easier to deal with right now. I hope this phase lasts and that the sadness and darkness doesn't come crashing back in.
I have managed to build my life back up since the anniversary on 10/09... Pat and I are back out at various mummy a...
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Posted by Samara Collins. Posted In : Blog
September 11, 2011
Well the build up of about 6 or so weeks prior to the anniversary was really tough and the hardest days were those right before the anniversary as the memories cameflooding back - many memories and feelings we had seemingly blocked out as they were so painful to recall. Drew and I discussed these memories and feelings and this realy helped us to accept that these things happened and that we feel so sad about it. Drew and I left Pat with my parents on Friday and we went to the grave first an...
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Posted by Samara Collins. Posted In : Blog
September 8, 2011
Well its been one of the toughest weeks grief wise in a long time so I have hibernated lots because it just feels hard being out. I went to Francis House on Monday and that was really nice. Sadie died at Francis House so its filled with hard memories but she also spent happy times there. When I first heard about the children's hospice I thought it would be a place where children went and got more ill and died - never leaving again. That's completely wrong. It is a place where children at...
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Posted by Samara Collins.
