Life without Sadie

Pat is doing very well and he is just gorgous in every way.  He is starting to smile a little and is also enjoying trying to grab his toys.  He can lift his head easily and so he spends quite a bit of time on his tummy on how play mat now. 

Earlier this week Pat and I ventured out alone for the first time.  Having had a csection, I am not allowed to drive for 2 more weeks, so I took Pat in his pram to see my sister in law, Pat's Auntie Clare.  It felt strange being out on our own and also walking the route that Sadie and I so often walked, but it felt really good too.  The sun shone down on us as Pat slept and I felt Sadie was close by.

This morning Pat and I went for a nice walk and again took a route which Sadie and I used to walk regularly when she was well enough.  It felt so good to be out in the spring time and I felt full of hope for the year ahead.  We have so much to look forward to and it feels strange to be able to make plans these days.  We have some great holidays planned and lots of fun.

I am going to be starting post natal class on 19th April. I am a bit nervous but mainly I just feel excited to get to enjoy these things with Pat, which Sadie and I could never really do.

I have started planning Pat's baptism and I am really looking forward to it.  I desperately hope to slim down before then as I feel huge after having 2 sections in 14 months but weight loss or not I will have a wonderful day and will enjoyformally celebrating Pat's birth and bringing him into the church that has come to mean so very much to us.

I still haven't been able to go to church as last time I wept buckets but Drew and I plan to attend as soon as we can.  Sadie was welcomed into the Knutsford Methodist Church last year (you can search for the service recording on their website and listen to the lovely words and prayers by Paul Wilson as he baptised Sadie).  Holding Pat's baptism there is going to be very emotional for us but also a huge celebration.  It means a lot to us to know that Pat is a part of the church.  Rev Wilson has already met Pat and prayed for him, which was very special.

Our health visitor, Hilary came over today and weighed Pat.  He is 9lb2.5oz.  He is gaining over a pound a week at the moment, so I feel very happy to know he is doing well as I think weight gain is always a great indicator.

As I start to recover and become more mobile I am really looking forward to all the things Pat and I will enjoy together.  There will be no stopping us.

Our grief for Sadie is still raw and acute and hits us hard sometimes.  It knocked me for six on Sunday and I couldn't do a thing but cry and cry.  Its more manageable though.  I know its there and no matter how happy I feel, the grief has to come out too.  It is still so early and we will always feel sadness for losing Sadie.  The grief is completely separate to how we feel about Pat or about anything else.  Its just a part of life right now.

On the whole we are doing great.  Life feels good right now and there is so much we have to enjoy and cherish.